Jay: [aside to camera] So, this year, we're surprising the family with a trip to Miami. The travel company needs everybody's driver's license to book the flight. That's where "sticky fingers" here comes in handy.
Gloria: Everybody has a bad cousin that teaches you a few things. Like how to smoke, how to pick-pocket, how to hot-wire a car, how to put tacks on your shoe when you want to throw off a-a lie-detector test.
Jay: Which cousin was this?
Gloria: I am the cousin.

Gloria: [to Alex] Let me give you a hug goodbye. I cannot believe that you're already going to college. It seems like yesterday when you were a little girl reading at college level.

Claire: Oh, Alex!
Phil: Claire?
Claire: ­Reuben again? He wore a Batman cape to the first day of high school!
Alex: You're really judging me right now when you look like a hooker at Comic-Con?

Claire: Can you believe how conscientious our little girl has become? Racing off to work on a Saturday. There's a 30% chance she thinks it's Friday, but still...

Joe: Refrigerator.
Manny: No, say "fridger-frater."
Joe: But it's refrigerator.
Manny: I need you to focus, kid. Fridger-frater - ­where we keep the sammiches.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: People seem delighted by Joe. Whatever. But I had that fetching study partner coming over, and I realized I could use Joe's by-the-numbers cuteness to my amorous advantage. Wow. Even for me, that was a lot of Manny.

Claire: What are you making, my little chef?
Joe: I'm making pasghetti!
Claire: You are adorable.
Manny: I remember when I had everyone in the palm of my hand with a two-foot putt like "pasghetti." We both know you know how to say it.

Alex: Well, I'm off. While I do love our tradition of still getting together on Saturday for Thanksgiving leftovers, maybe next time we can order a turkey that doesn't have its own Event Horizon. [silence] Oh, well, who cares? I know it's totally gonna slay them in my astrophysics club.
Haley: First time anyone in that club gets slayed.

Phil: Infinity pool, killer views, state-of-the-art game room, home theater...
Cameron: Plus that four-person shower. Did you know that's where Cyril met his new husband?
Mitchell: Aww.
Phil: Even the security code's sexy. Literally. It spells out "sexy" on the keypad.
Luke: Even I think that's trying too hard, and at this point, I'm mostly body spray.

Claire: [aside to camera] I was harsh. But the flight back from Portland was rough. The overheads were packed with foldable bikes, and I was sitting next to a guy using a typewriter.

Haley: [aside to camera] I left my watch by Cyril's tub. I'm usually extra careful not to leave any trace that I was at one of my dad's houses, but this tub has 16 pulsating jets, and the whole floor vibrates with something called "Swedish release." It took me 20 minutes to find my car in the driveway.