Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria and I are from different generations. And I won't lie- It isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria: No I didn't.
Jay: It was a joke.
Gloria: I don't get it.
Jay: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.

Claire: Hi, Dylan.
Dylan: Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Dunphy. [hands Claire a rose]
Claire: Oh. Dylan, thank you. That is so sweet.
Dylan: You know, all women should look as tasty as you when they're old.
Claire: Huh. Conflicted.

Phil: Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire: Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?
Phil: Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. [takes out cigarette]
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.
Phil: It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: So, what's your story? Miss America Pageant in town?
Claire: You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil: I'm pretty smooth all over. [lights up]
Waitress: Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil: Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
Claire: You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.

Cameron: Well, we just thought it would be a nice surprise.
Mitchell: Well, it's hardly a surprise. I mean, you dress her up for every holiday. I was giving her a bath last night, and I still saw traces of Martin Luther King behind her ear.

Claire: Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil: I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire: Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil: Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire: Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because she's always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh, no. She can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire: Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil: I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire: Yeah. So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going to do to you?
Claire: Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.

Gloria: Don't tell me you're finally taking me salsa dancing! ... And who's David Brenner?
Jay: Only a Vegas legend.
Gloria: Is he a magician? 'Cause I love magicians.
Jay: He's a comedian.
Gloria: A comedian? It's Valentine's Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.
Jay: You're gonna love him. Trust me. The guy's hilarious.
Gloria: Okay, tell me one of his jokes.
Jay: He doesn't do jokes.
Gloria: Does he have a mallet?
Jay: No.
Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head?
Jay: He doesn't get hit in the head. He- He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way. Come on. He's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake.

Phil: [aside to camera] Did he trump me? D-Money. You tell me. He made a painting out of a photograph one time. I have hand-picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fratelli's, a family-style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row. Yeah, he got me. He got me.

Phil: So, what do you think?
Claire: I think you're not getting any sleep tonight, so you might want to take a nap at work today.
Phil: I always do.

Phil: Role-play? I'm in.
Claire: I'll set up sleepovers for the kids.
Phil: And I'll swing by after work to pick you up.
Claire: No, no. Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar and see if you can pick me up there.
Phil: Careful, lady. You're gonna wake up a sexy sleeping giant. [English accent] Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby, an English gentleman in town for a polo match.
Claire: Phil-
Phil: Or [Chinese accent] Honorable businessman from Hong Kong.
Claire: Kinda wrecking it.
Phil: [German accent] It's not a big deal, Claire. I just train tigers for a living.

Mitchell: Are these rose petals?
Cameron: Yes, to commemorate our love.
Mitchell: I had to settle.
Cameron: Well, your mom might think so, but a lot of people think I'm a catch.
Mitchell: No. The case. I- I was this close to nailing it, and then my client gets scared and settles.
Cameron: I'm sorry. Maybe you'd like a chocolate. Notice that I have not eaten any of the chocolates.
Mitchell: There were two levels. You know it and I know it.