Phil Quote #140
Claire: Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight? Do you know anything about tying knots?
Phil: I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man.
Claire: Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife.
Phil: Well, she's beautiful, of course.
Claire: Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because she's always so tired and she's always making lists of things for me to do.
Claire: Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.
Phil: Oh, no. She can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.
Claire: Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.
Phil: I'm not talking about you. I didn't mean that. Can we try this again?
Claire: Yeah. So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?
Phil: Because I respect her too much to do to her what I'm going to do to you?
Claire: Oh, jackpot. I'll be right back, Clive.
Features in the collection: Clive Bixby Quotes.
Phil: Happy Valentine's, by the way.
Claire: Mmm, no. Gross and sweaty from running. So, for later tonight, you thinking what I'm thinking, valentine?
Phil: I believe I am.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Every Valentine's Day, Claire and I look forward to some naughty role-playing. Sexually adventurous cuckolder Juliana and Clive Bixby, speaker salesman by day, spy by night. Lover also by night and sometimes during the day. The speaker business, it it pretty much runs itself.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Claire was about to meet Clive Bixby's French cousin, Claude. The plan was simple enough. All I did was create a fake work emergency and wait for Claire at her favorite café. [French accent] Welcome to France. What is the purpose of your visit? L'amour. Just answer the question, sir! [normal voice] Oh, I'm s-so sorry. Um, business... [French accent] of l'amour.
Phil: Alright, big day. Lots of plans. First thing's first, getting into character.
Phil: [French accent] Claude Bixby, mustard magnate with a flair for...
Claire: Uh, Phil... Claude... I-I love that you're doing all of this, but doesn't some tiny part of you feel guilty for ditching Guy? I mean, he did wait for me for 30 years. We could invite him for a glass of wine.
Phil: [sighs] [normal voice] Fine. But I'm warning you, if he gets out of line, Claude knows karate. And Krav Maga. He's Jewish on his mother's side.
Quote from Dylan
Claire: Hi, Dylan.
Dylan: Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Dunphy. [hands Claire a rose]
Claire: Oh. Dylan, thank you. That is so sweet.
Dylan: You know, all women should look as tasty as you when they're old.
Claire: Huh. Conflicted.
Quote from Jay
Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria and I are from different generations. And I won't lie- It isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.
Gloria: No I didn't.
Jay: It was a joke.
Gloria: I don't get it.
Jay: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Mind if I join you? I'm Clive. Clive Bixby.
Claire: Yes, I can see that. I'm Juliana. So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?
Phil: Pretty kitty has nails. I like that. I'm in town for a trade show. I design high-end electroacoustic transducers. [takes out cigarette]
Claire: Wow, that is very specific.
Phil: It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.
Phil: So, what's your story? Miss America Pageant in town?
Claire: You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.
Phil: I'm pretty smooth all over. [lights up]
Waitress: Sir, there's no smoking in here.
Phil: Oh, that's fine. I'm not actually a smoker.
Claire: You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.
Quote from Hit and Run
Phil: [aside to camera] I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women: Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams... Wait a minute.
Quote from En Garde
Phil: [aside to camera] What does it take to make a great salesman? It's no big secret. You just follow the ABC's of salesmanship: Always Be Closing. Don't Ever Forget Great Home Ideas Just Keep Lurking Mostly Nearby.
Often, People Question Realtors' Sincerity. Take Umbrage. Violators Will- Oh, shoot