Alex: Wow. I've never seen him like that.
Haley: Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of our little sister.
Alex: Remember how we used to dress him up?
Haley: I miss her.
Luke: [o.s.] I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!
Haley: You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
Alex: Betty Luke!
Luke: [o.s.] I will burn this house down!

Gloria: Where is the cheese grater? Where is the cutting board?
Cameron: Where would you want it to be?
Gloria: Yes, right here next to the cheese grater.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I know it's hard to tell by looking at me, but I am not a natural homemaker. So when Cam came and organized my kitchen, I felt insecure and lashed out. In a way, I'm no better than Manny's crazy friend Danielle.

Lily: Daddy, we forgot to give you this. It's like our jackets.
Cameron: I love it.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I guess I've always been a little sensitive about Lily not having a mother, and Gloria's so good at it. I got jealous. Maybe I should tell Manny this story. It might help him with that train wreck Danielle.

Mitchell: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.
Jay: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
Mitchell: Pretty sure that's- That's not the saying. But, um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. [inhales]. She sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.

Jay: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say, "What do lawyers use as birth control?" And the answer is, "Their personalities," I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.

Claire: What is wrong with you?
Phil: You laughed like it was "Who's on first?"
Claire: What?
Phil: He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.

Claire: It's you. You are making me so happy right now. You stormed out of there, and you're acting like an idiot.
Phil: You like this? Because I am really uncomfortable.
Claire: Honey, I love it. Makes me feel special.
Phil: Sometimes, I really don't understand you.
Claire: I know. It's stupid, but it's nice to know that sometimes you'll fight for me, and all I have to do is laugh at some other guy's story. But no one makes me laugh like you do.
Phil: As long as it's always genuine.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: You can fake anything you want with me, but not your laugh. I'd like to go back.

Phil: Oh, I hope Tad likes salmon. It's a bit of a risk serving fish to a first-time diner at Dunphy's. Maybe I should marinate a steak for backup.
Alex: I think someone has a man crush.
Phil: First of all, I would never date a potential client.
Claire: That's "first of all"?

Claire: [aside to camera] Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a "big sister."
Haley: Technically, I am a big sister.
Phil: She capitalized the "b" and the "s."
Claire: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
Phil: So Claire and I suggested-
Haley: Forced.
Phil: That she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
Claire: We could. Little bit.

Mitchell: Hey, dad? Did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
Jay: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Mitchell: I don't know. What?
Jay: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud-dweller and the other's a fish.
Mitchell: Zing!