Pam: You don't remember that time Daddy didn't live with us for a year 'cause he was shacked up with that diner waitress Jannie Sue Butler?
Cameron: Oh, [scoffs] please. The only time Daddy ever left was to go to war.
Pam: It was 1977. What war, Cam?
Cameron: The V- Hmm?
Pam: He left us 'cause he turned 40, he got his first liver spot, and that bimbo reminded him of the Bionic Woman. Mostly on account of her fake arm.

Phil: How's everybody this fine morning?
Alex: Welp, I'm on my third day of my New Year's Resolution to not say things nobody cares about. Damn it.

Alex: Yes, bravo, but what's a She Shed?
Claire: Well, it's just a simple little structure where I can go to be alone and do yoga or meditate and nobody can bother me.
Alex: Oh, so a glass of wine and a cigarette in the tub isn't cutting it anymore?
Claire: I don't smoke, honey. I have a tobacco-scented candle.
Alex: They don't make tobacco-scented-
Claire: This is more of that stuff no one cares about.

Phil: Congratulations, honey.
Claire: Don't pretend you're happy for me.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Luke and I wanted to use that space to put in a batting cage. Claire wanted her She Shed. We were in a stalemate, so we settled the dispute like adults.
[cut to Claire and Phil in a blinking war:]
Luke: Come on, Dad. Batting cage.
Phil: I really need to blink, buddy.
Luke: You can blink when you're dead.
Phil: [groans]
Claire: Ah, yes! Yes! All those Magic Eye posters paid off. Ah! I'm gonna get myself one of those fuzzy little rugs.

Alex: You know, I find the term "She Shed" offensive. Shouldn't ours just be called a shed and theirs a "He Shed"?
Claire: Why do you bother making resolutions?

Claire: This is so frustrating.
Phil: If it's any comfort, you're not the only one to be stung by these people. Their ridiculous parking regulation made me give up my dream of owning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Alex: I'm really proud of you, Mom. Letting go shows real growth.
Claire: I'm going to that Homeowners Association meeting, and I'm getting my She Shed.
Alex: But you just told Dad-
Claire: I let him do magic. He lets me break promises. We both know what we married.

Gloria: You were at the course again? That's every morning this week.
Jay: That's how you make a champion. You should see Joe play. It's like watching Merv Griffin interview. There's a certain finesse to it.

Jay: I know you think you have the monopoly on deciding what's best for Joe, but I have parenting instincts, too. I deferred to Dede every single time on Mitch and Claire, and this time I'm going with my gut.
Gloria: Mitch and Claire turned out to be wonderful people.
Jay: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not knocking them. I love all my children equally. [to Manny] Bup, bup, bup, bup! That's winner water.

Mitchell: Whoa, whoa. What's going on, Cam? I was gone for 45 minutes, and now our living room's a beauty salon? What, do you have a pit crew or something?
Cameron: Ooh, look at you using "pit crew" in a sentence like a boy.