Manny: I thought you'd be going to Joe's tournament.
Gloria: No, he doesn't need me over there. I would be adding more pressure.
Manny: Well, you always kept a low profile at my ribbon-dancing competitions. I couldn't even find you in the stands.
Gloria: Ah, yeah, with the ribbon and the swooshing.

Manny: Mom, just because you freaked out doesn't mean Joe will. At the end of the day, he's only going to remember that you weren't there.
Gloria: I don't know.
Manny: I think it would mean a lot to him. I know it meant a lot to me when you cheered on me and my ribbon-dancing partner, Josh.
Gloria: Uh, yeah, 'cause you guys were so great.
Manny: [laughs] I danced alone.

Bill: Claire, did you say something?
Claire: I'm sorry. You're just gonna rubber-stamp Princess Lisa here, and I can't have a She Shed in my backyard?
Bill: Could you please wait your turn? W-We haven't moved on to new business yet.
Claire: Fine. Motion to discuss new business? Seconded. Recognizing Claire Dunphy. Thank you. I'm not leaving here until I have my permit.
Craig: What are you talking about?
Claire: I submitted a request to build a simple structure you can't even see from the street. Speaking of which, why is nobody sounding the alarm over Gary's avant-garde mailbox? It's a penis, Gary.

Claire: What are you doing here?
Phil: I was gonna ask you the same thing. I'm so sorry to interrupt. Keep up the great work. It couldn't have been easy keeping that sewer gator under wraps.
Craig: [laughs] What alligator? [laughter]
Claire: No, that. See that? That's not fair. Just because I'm not part of your little cul-de-sac cult - your little cult-de-sac.
Phil: Oh, that was a good one.

Jay: Okay. It's a straight shot, pal. You got this. How are you feeling?
Joe: I'm nervous.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: My son was being tested as an athlete, but I was being tested as a father. What I said then would help shape the man Joe would become. Nerves are for losers. What you're feeling is excitement because for the first time in your life you're doing something that actually matters. These other kids they want you to choke because you're king of the mountain, and they're climbing to reach you. You've got to be ready to step on their fingers.
Joe: That sounds mean.
Jay: They would do the same thing to you. Now, get out there and take what is ours. And have fun.
Joe: [screams]
Jay: Huh. That's new.

Luke: It's not his fault.
Phil: Luke.
Luke: I'm gonna tell her. [Phil sighs] He got scared.
Claire: What?
Luke: He thought you would like being out there alone in your shed so much you'd stop wanting to spend time with him.
Claire: Come on.
Luke: He was worried maybe you'd start sleeping out there. Pretty soon it's where you and your friends go to drink and complain about your husbands.
Claire: Oh, I don't need a shed for that. We- We do it on a group text.

Joe: You were in my eyeline!
Gloria: No. Wait. Joe, come here!
Joe: I'm going to step on your fingers!
Gloria: Joe, come back here!
Joe: I'm the king of the mountain!
Gloria: Give me the club! Give me the club. Give me the club! [as Gloria wrestles the club away from Joe, it hits his competitor in the knee]
Boy: Why?!
Gloria: Not again.

Mitchell: [soothing voice] Hi, Dr. Green. Thank you so much for making the time to see us.
Cameron: Okay, what's that voice?
Mitchell: Hmm?
Cameron: Are you tamping down your crazy to impress your therapist like you do when you clean up before the housekeeper comes?
Mitchell: [chuckles] I appreciate what you're saying, I hear you, and I'm gonna give it some thought.
Cameron: What the hell? Can we move into this place?

Cameron: Um, you know what? This- This I don't want to be here. This just isn't me. The art on the wall is weird. The candy bowl feels like a test, uh... You know what? I'm gonna have, uh, just one. Nope. I'm gonna have all of them. Nope. I'm just gonna leave.

Mitchell: Wait, wait, wait, wait. He's done? No, no. Okay, I have I have been coming here for 10 years, and I am just barely scratching the surface. You call him extraordinary. Meanwhile, I've been pouring out my soul to you every week, and I get boop nothing.
Dr. Green: Mitchell, I did clear out the full hour. If you'd like to...
Mitchell: [gently] That would be great, Doctor. Thank you so much. I would love that. Cam, I will see you at home.