Cameron: Anyway, Lily wants to impress these older girls, so I set up a full-service salon to do makeovers.
Mitchell: And you're qualified to do that because?
Cameron: Okay, my uncle was in the business of mules appear younger for sale, so I think I know a thing or two about hair and make-up.

Pam: Hi, hi. I brought y'all some stuff for Lily's party.
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Pam: Thought you might not want to get into your own stash. I know how pricy your lady creams are.
Cameron: Okay, she's lashing out because I inherited Mama's skin.
Pam: And I got Daddy's strong flickin' finger.
Cameron: Don't do it!

Mitchell: Okay, a-any time we have an argument, Cam blames it on how I was brought up. My therapist says that it's his way of deflecting responsibility.
Pam: You go to therapy?
Mitchell: Mm-hmm.
Pam: You mean like one of those Woody Allen movies?
Mitchell: Plenty of people go to therapy.
Cameron: Not farm folk. We solve our own problems, not that we had many.
Mitchell: That's right, because you had a storybook childhood.
Cameron: I never said "storybook," although one time I did come home to a family of bears eating our porridge. [chuckles]
Pam: Don't make us sound like hicks. It was Tuna Helper.

Mitchell: I did not realize how big that was gonna be. [doorbell rings] Cam, hey. Y-You're okay, right? Cam, I-I-I can't face these 12-year-olds by myself.
Pam: 12-year-olds? I got to change my shirt. [doorbell rings rapidly] They're already angry.

Luke: You gave me the signal.
Phil: What signal?!
Luke: That wink when you want me to secretly take care of something.
Phil: Of course I was winking. I was just in a staring contest. Wait. Did you say you've done this before?
Luke: Do you think Alex's cello set itself on fire?

Mitchell: Hey, Cam. H-How you feeling? If you need some time to process that stuff about your dad, y-you sh
Cameron: Oh, no. I'm fine. Unlike the chlorine in Melanie's hair that won't do any permanent damage.

Pam: [refined accent] Hi, girls. I'm Lily's cool Aunt Pam. I brought lighters for everyone. Please be nice.

Mitchell: Cam, clearly you're not okay.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? I thought I thought I could tamp it down, put it in a room, seal it shut just like we did Grandpa when he got rabid.

Mitchell: Okay, listen, I-I may have checked with my therapist on the off chance that you would want to talk to someone.
Cameron: No, sir. If I open that door, there's no telling what we'll find. You know what? I... You know I cry inexplicably when I hear "Smooth Operator." I don't want to know what that's about.

Gloria: I love that you're here, but don't you guys have a laundry room at the school?
Manny: It's really humid down there, and my hair is challenging enough as it is.