Gloria: But Joe worries me because stress can destroy a child. Take it from Cartagena's junior regional backstroke champion.
Manny: You used to swim?
Gloria: Like a cigarette boat fleeing to international waters. But all that stress brought the darkness in me. I started pulling out my hair, and... there was an incident.
Manny: What kind of incident?
Gloria: I'm ashamed to admit it, but when I lost one of the big races, I might have hit one of the other swimmers in the leg with a skimmer pole.
Manny: You Tonya Harding-ed another girl?
Gloria: No, in Colombia, they call it the Gloria Ramirez-ing.

Jay: You know, Gloria, with the right training, this kid could go all the way. Me managing his golf career can be my second act.
Gloria: You're 70. Your second act was two acts ago.

Jay: [aside to camera] I needed to find a way to spend more quality time with Joe. I couldn't take another Saturday of hide-and-seek. At this point, I've spent more time in the closet than Mitchell. [chuckles]

Jay: Okay, Joey, you take this club, and you hit that ball. Any questions?
Joe: Why does this say "Manny"?
Jay: Don't worry about it. They were only used once. It was a swing and a miss for both of us.

Jay: Hey, Brady.
Brady: Hey, Jay, what's up? Oh, is this your grandson?
Jay: I can't do this again. This is my son. Just take a look at his swing and tell me what you think.
Brady: Wow. Your mom must be some athlete.
Jay: Just so you know, I'm not a guy who's charmed when the help gets familiar.

Claire: Oh, yay, Homeowners Association. I need their approval to put a She Shed in the backyard where the teeter-totter used to be.
Alex: I don't understand.
Phil: She said, "She Shed down by the seesaw."
Luke: How are you not famous?

Jay: hy are you making such a big deal about it? It's a- It's a kiddie golf tournament. It's like a- a playdate I don't hate being at.
Gloria: It's a bad idea. What if Joe wants to do something that is less competitive, like reading or papier-mâché?
Jay: Let's not break out the Manny playbook just yet.
Manny: Playbill would've been more cutting. Why am I helping you?

Mitchell: Is this all for Lily's party? You- I thought we were just gonna do pizza and a movie.
Cameron: Okay, there are 12-year-old girls coming over here. Do you remember how mean and judgmental Haley was at that age?
Mitchell: Yeah, I faked being sick that Thanksgiving. I was too scared to eat corn in front of her.
Cameron: Of course you were. The only word she said to me that entire year was "ew."

Cameron: You know what? If people back home knew I was in a therapist's office, it would be all over the "Rumors and Ramblins" section of the Grasshopper Gazette. "Liberal Left Coast Breaks Local Hero." What are you typing?
Mitchell: Exactly what you just said, but don't worry, it's for my therapy, not yours.

Mitchell: Some people spend their whole lives trying to resolve these things.
Cameron: What would I- What would I even say to her? That my dad left for a year with the town floozy and I thought he was off being a war hero and that I'm an idiot and and that I'm never gonna forgive him? I don't care that he came came back to us. He lied to me, and he let me grow up thinking my mama was the most important thing to him in the world. He's a phony. You know, maybe, you know, he did do the best he he knew how, you know? He always did make me feel safe and and happy. [sobs, voice breaking] Maybe he was just trying to protect me, because he did love me with all of his heart, and, actually, I feel like I know him, like, even better now and love him even more. [gasps] I am the person I am because of all my experiences. And I like me. And I have a daddy to thank for that. Whew. Ooh! Hey! That felt great. Oh, my gosh. I feel healed.
Mitchell: Yeah, well, it's a good start, but therapy really is a-
Dr. Green: No, no, no, no, no, no. That was extraordinary. I have never seen anything like that. He doesn't need me. Here. Have a hard candy and a good life.