Claire: "Dear Phil, you've always been the most wonderful son, and now I need you to do one last thing for me."
Phil: Oh, no! She's gonna ask me to throw her ashes in the Pope's face.
Claire: "Don't say anything to your father because he'll just resist, but there's a woman named Annie Fitzsimmons who lives a few streets over. We don't know her very well, but I've always admired her, and I think she'd be perfect for your dad. So before you go home, I want you to fix him up with her."
Phil: That is crazy!
Claire: "I know this sounds crazy, but single men are in short supply here.And a lot of scheming harpies will swoop in before your father knows what hit him. I love Frank, but he'll follow anything with a casserole."
Phil: I don't believe this. It's too soon, and my dad's not a cartoon bear. He's perfectly capable of making intelligent decisions.
Haley: Hey, guys? I made cookies.
Phil: Oh, good. I thought that was a neighbor.

Phil: Hey, kids, your grandma left each of you something.
Luke: Cool! Rockports!
Claire: It's just the box.
Alex: Oh, my God. There's a letter. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Although if grandma wrote it, she must have sensed I was ready.
Haley: Because you had such a bond?
Alex: You felt it, too?

Claire: Haley, why don't you tell us what yours says?
Haley: Well, it's so sweet. It's about how beautiful I am inside and- Score! Jewelry.
Luke: Whoa! Check it out!
Phil: Oh, look at that. Your grandma loved pocket watches. She said they made a man look dignified.
Luke: Is this chain in case you swallow it?
Claire: No, but suddenly I'm glad it's there.

Alex: A lighter?
Claire: Huh. What does the note say?
Alex: "This is a lighter." I don't understand.
Haley: How much clearer could she have been?
Phil: I wouldn't read too much into it. Your grandma loved you very much. She just did a couple of bizarre things towards the end.
Luke: Here, Alex, I can help you out with that. [swinging pocket watch] You are getting very sleepy. A crappy old lighter is not a sucky gift.

Mitchell: Your honor, it all boils down to this. The motel owes Miss Menchengo-
Anita Menchaca: Menchaca.
Mitchell: Damn it. Every time. More in wages than she ever could've taken in soaps and tiny shampoos.
Judge Bartley: Fine. Case dismissed.
Mitchell: Yes!
Anita Menchaca: Oh! Gracias! Muchas gracias!
Mitchell: De nada. De nada. [to Gloria] Did you see that? I won! I-I can't believe it!
Gloria: Yeah. It scares me that winning is such a surprise for you.

Gloria: Yes! Go make your mistakes with him. I don't want to go to jail for prostitution. [to the men sitting behind her] Like you could afford me.

Shelley: Get going, ladies. The pool's for residents only.
Alex: Oh, okay. Sorry. We'll leave.
Haley: Uh, no, we won't. There's nobody here. Why can't we use the pool?
Shelley: Because those are the rules. Are we gonna have a problem here?
Haley: You don't scare me I've been in real jail.
Shelley: Oh, you two are pretty smart, aren't you?
Haley: No. Only she is.

Jay: Excuse me.
Charlotte: Yes?
Jay: Jay Pritchett. Frank Dunphy's son is married to my daughter.
Charlotte: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Jay: Ah, he grows on you. Oh, you're talking about the death. Thank you.

Marv: What can I do for you?
Phil: She's perfect.
Claire: I thought Annie Fitzsimmons lived here. She does.
Marv: Annie, honey! There's people here to see ya!
Annie: Hi.
Claire: Hi.
Annie: Can I help you?
Claire: We're selling vacuum cleaners.
Annie: Wow. That is strange.
Claire: I know.
Annie: Because just this morning, my vacuum cleaner broke.
Phil: Huh.
Marv: That's on me. I shed like a collie.
Annie: Let's see what you got.
Phil: Yes, Claire, let's see what you got.

Claire: I didn't bring it.
Phil: You didn't bring it?
Claire: No.
Phil: You had it when we left the vacuum cleaner office. I guess it's fair to say you've made a huge mistake.
Claire: Mm.
Phil: No. Say it. I'm sorry to do that. It's part of the training.
Claire: I've made a huge mistake.
Phil: I don't think she's gonna work out.