Cameron: [aside to camera] Why does drama keep following me everywhere I go? It just keeps popping up out of nowhere. Like Crispin's hair plugs.

Charlotte: I remember exactly where I was when you gave it to me. You said, "Wear this bec-"
Jay: No, no. This isn't mine. And I never went to Jefferson High.
Charlotte: Oh. My mistake. Ah! Here it is. You said, "Pin this-"
Jay: No, no. N-no. Never got a medal. And, uh this is the wrong branch of service.
Charlotte: Of course. These are th-
Jay: Never wrote.
Charlotte: Why don't you look through here?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Turns out she sent more men off to war than Lyndon Johnson.

Phil: What is going on?
Cameron: Oh, it's a feeding frenzy. They're all over him. They're practically measuring the windows for new drapes. It's disgusting. I must get this recipe, Myra.

Phil: Hello again.
Annie: Oh, no. You're alone. Did you fire that nice girl?
Phil: No. She's not a nice girl. She's my wife. And we don't sell vacuums.
Annie: Thank God. You'd starve.

Gloria: Your majesty. I didn't do anything wrong. But I will say that I am guilty if I can just pay the fine and go home.
Mitchell: No, you won't. You're innocent, and I can prove it. Your honor, this document here shows that my client was a resident of California at the time. And these canceled checks prove that she was legally subletting the apartment in question. I might be a simple man, but I do know one thing If a dog don't bark-
Judge Bartley: Okay, I can't listen to him anymore. Case dismissed. Court adjourned.
Gloria: Oh! Ah! Gracias, Mitchell! You're wonderful!
Mitchell: You know what? We got lucky because I had no ending to that dog thing.
Gloria: If you don't have anything to do next week, maybe you can go with me to Texas.

Claire: [aside to camera] We got some bad news yesterday. Phil's mom died. It wasn't unexpected. He was with her and she went very peacefully in her sleep.
Alex: She and I had a special connection.
Luke: We all did.
Alex: But mostly me. She said I was just like her.
Haley: Was she weirdly competitive too?

Claire: [aside to camera] The whole family is going down to Florida tomorrow to be with Phil for the service. Such a relief. I can feel how much he needs me right now.
[cut to:]
Phil: There they are. Hey, guys. [as Claire approaches him] Oh, you brought my neck pillow. I missed you so much. [hugs pillow]

Shelley: Good morning, Mr. Dunphy, visitors.
Frank: Please, Shelley, call me Frank.
Shelley: No, sir. That might be the way they do things at Whistling Pines, but we run a tight ship here at Leisure Park. As per your request, I have reserved the lakeside promenade this evening for one hour, beginning at 5:00 P.M., for your memorial service. May I remind you that there's no smoking on the grounds, no glass near the lake, no feeding the ducks? And I'm sorry for your loss.
Phil: Thank you.
Shelley: No feeding the ducks.
Phil: What are you looking at me for?
[Shelley holds out her hand. Phil pulls out pieces of bread from his pocket and hands it to her]

Manny: I love it here. Manicured lawns, planned activities, early dinners. What more does a kid need?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. And everyone's so polite and considerate. Nothing like the constant catfights in my circle, where every week, somebody's mad at somebody for God knows who what, and I'm always thrown into the middle.
Manny: You seem tense. You know, they have a steam room. Wanna join me for a schvitz?
Cameron: Please, it's Florida. If I wanna sweat more, I'll just move my arms.

Mitchell: Here, your honor. I'm Mitchell Pritchett, attorney to Miss Manchego.
Anita Menchaca: Menchaca.
Judge Bartley: Ah, yeah Are you ready to enter a plea?
Mitchell: Absolutely. I see no reason why this matter should take up any more of the court's valuable time. Not guilty, your honor.
Judge Bartley: Why?
Mitchell: Gonna need a minute.