Frank: Morning, Charlotte! This is my family from California!
Charlotte: I can tell. They all look like movie stars.
Cameron: Oh, thank you.
Jay: That's nuts. I know that woman, but I have no idea from where.
Frank: Yeah. This place is full of stories like that.

Marilyn: Hey, you. Are you liking that book?
Cameron: Well, it's not the worst thing I've picked up at an airport, but close. What is this, a book club or a Miss America Pageant?
[The girls all laugh]
Edith: We're looking for our next book.
Cameron: Oh, what are you reading now?
Hattie: "Tempted By Her Innocent Kiss." I-I'm sure you don't know it.
Cameron: Oh, please. Devon Carter was Ashley's first, she wants their passion to last, but her hopes of true love are crushed when she finds out their marriage is just another one of daddy's business deals. I'm gay.
Hattie: Oh! My grandson is gay. His name is Daniel Schulman. Uh, do you know him?
Cameron: Oh! Is he about this tall, dark hair, circumcised? [women all laugh]
Hattie: [laughing] Terrible.

Phil: Look what my dad just gave me.
Claire: Please tell me that's not your mom.
Phil: No, no. She picked out her own urn. My dad keeps saying it's a size too small but she squeezed into it.

Claire: Honey, hey, hey. So you're not gonna do what your mom asked?
Phil: Marry off my dad to a complete stranger on the day of her funeral? I think not.
Claire: It was her last wish.
Phil: When my dad is ready, he gets to pick his own girlfriend. That's the big upside to your wife dying. Also, not having to think before you speak.

Mitchell: It seems to me it wasn't only the meter that was broken that fateful afternoon. Nay! It was the entire criminal justice system.
[later:]
Mitchell: Therefore I submit to you, the only "influence" my client was under that night was his love of boating.
[later:]
Mitchell: Shame!

Alex: I just don't get it. Why would she give me a lighter?
Haley: Maybe she wants you to burn all your clothes.
Alex: Is it possible we didn't have the connection I thought we did?
Haley: I don't know. You heard Dad. She was on all that medication towards the end. People do weird things when they're on drugs. When Dylan was on Vicodin after his root canal, he bought the complete DVD set of "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman."

Marilyn: You are very good. Where'd a farm boy like you learn to play mahjong?
Cameron: Oh, well, one summer, I worked at the central Missouri b'Nai b'rith. It's the nation's smallest chapter.

Jay: You look very familiar to me. Did you ever live in Ohio?
Charlotte: No. I'm from Pensacola.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: And then it hit me. I had done my basic training in Pensacola. She was my first. I'll never forget her. Charlotte somebody. I was 18, and she was 31. And we fell pretty hard for each other. I always felt bad I never called her when I got back from Vietnam. Especially because by then I had, you know, learned a few things.

Charlotte: I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me. My memory isn't what it used to be.
Jay: I was in the Navy. Jay Pritchett. Little more up here, little less down here.
Charlotte: I'm sure you're a very nice man, but I-I think you may have mistaken me for someone else.
Jay: I was shipping off to Vietnam. You had the ass of a young Ann-Margret.
Charlotte: Yeah, that was me.

Alex: Grandma looks so happy here.
Frank: Yeah. We were pretty hammered. That was last 4th of July, Grandma's favorite holiday. The Plimptons had a barbecue, and gram and I got a little tipsy on ginger margaritas. We came home for a catnap and slept right through the big fireworks show. First one she ever missed. Boy, was she mad. I made it up to her with a little fireworks show of our own later.
Alex: Grandpa!
Frank: A couple of glow sticks and a slingshot in the backyard.
Alex: Oh.
Frank: Which led to some pretty memorable lovemaking.