‘Fight or Flight’
Season 6, Episode 15 - Aired February 18, 2015
After a long weekend camping with Phil's old cheerleading buddies, Claire jumps at the chance to snag the only first class seat on the return flight home. Meanwhile, Gloria forces Jay to teach Manny how to stand up for himself against a bully in his cooking class. Mitchell, Cameron, Pepper and Ronaldo throw a baby shower for Sal, who seems like a new woman since the birth of her child.
Quote from Gloria
Manny: Mom, do I have a fever?
Gloria: Ay, let me check.
Jay: You know, we have a thermometer.
Gloria: Do you have to be so white all the time?
Quote from Pepper
Pepper: [groans] Oh, this is a true disaster.
Mitchell: Isn't it?
Pepper: Someone put a Spanish roof on what is clearly a mid-century ranch.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Oh, this is unreal. We always knew Sal was unstable, but how could she do this?
Cameron: We don't know that she's done anything.
Mitchell: Okay, let's just suppose for a second that she's on a plane to Cabo. What then?
Cameron: Maybe this is part of a bigger plan. You know, maybe the reason we didn't adopt another baby after Lily was because God wanted us available for Sammy.
Mitchell: Who is this God that denies us a baby then gets a party girl pregnant only to have her desert the baby so that we can finally get one?
Cameron: The same God that impregnated a virgin sent Moses down the river in a basket and commanded Abraham to stab his own son. God only does weird baby stuff.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Okay, yes, I'll admit, there is part of me that would love to keep this little guy and raise him the way Sal was pretending to.
Cameron: Exactly. Lily could have a baby brother.
Mitchell: But there are systems in place here. You can't just keep him like a bunny you found in the yard. That's crazy.
Quote from Jay
Jay: All right. I'll be back. Pick you up at 6:00. Now remember, what did I teach you?
Manny: Violence solves everything, and don't wind my fist up like Popeye.
Jay: It's not violence.It's self-defense. You cannot let this kid keep pushing you around. Now you walk in there like a badass and you make the best damn lasagna anybody's ever seen.
Manny: I appreciate the speech, Jay, but I'll handle things my way.
Jay: Kid, one more thing. Don't forget the garlic bread.
Quote from Cameron
Pepper: Ronaldo, you grab the roller thingy, and, uh... Oh, I'll grab that big mesh cage.
Mitchell: All right. Everybody, stop.
Cameron: You can't just keep a baby like it's some rabbit you found in the yard. There are systems in place.
Mitchell: Wow.
Quote from Pepper
Ronaldo: He has to stay somewhere tonight, no?
Cameron: Yeah, how about right here, because we know how to raise a child?
Pepper: Oh, please. We'll dress him and feed him and Conchetta can handle the poopy stuff. I gave her Obamacare. It's the least she can do.
Quote from Pepper
Mitchell: We all want what's best for the baby. You're very nice people, but we've done this before.
Pepper: So? It's our turn. I've wanted a child for some time now. My biological clock is ticking.
Cameron: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Pepper: Is it? I'm 44.
Mitchell: Or that is.
Pepper: You are one mean lady.
Quote from Pepper
Pepper: Give me one reason why Sammy should stay here tonight instead of with us.
Cameron: Because we're experienced parents. We have a crib.
Mitchell: We have a pediatrician. Our house is baby-proofed.
Ronaldo: Our house was in Architectural Digest.
Pepper: Ronaldo, please, you're not helping. They don't know what that is. How can you even fit another child in this shoe box? You're poor. We have a beautiful house with a big yard where he could throw the ball with the gardener.
Quote from Jay
Jay: We do need to eat.
Manny: Yeah. I wouldn't mind some pizza.
Jay: We're not getting any pineapple.
Gloria: You are getting pineapple!
Jay: We're taking it off our slices.
Gloria: Don't waste any food, Jay!
Jay: I think we made our point.
Manny: Totally.
Jay: We'll get our own pizza, eat it in the car.