Phil: [aside to camera] Can people change? Well, that's a- That is a tough one, but I would say yes. People can change. That's what I believe anyway, and I will till the day I die.
Claire: You do realize you're proving the exact opposite of your point?
Phil: See? She's changed. She used to be very supportive of me.

Phil: Where were you pointing it?
Claire: At the TV.
Phil: [laughs] This- Honey- Uh, no. I'm sorry. It's- It's a home theater.
Claire: What, so I can't point it at the TV when I want to watch the TV?
Phil: No. You point it at the receiver.
Claire: What's a receiver?
Phil: Okay, imagine our home theater system is a human body. So then the receiver is the brain. The TV is the face.
Claire: I know what part you are.

Cameron: Hi. I'm Cameron.
Jay: Oh, geez. I'm sorry. Guys, this is Cameron. He's a friend of my son's. This is, uh, Scotty, Dale, Hugo and Shorty.
Cameron: It's nice to meet you guys. You guys look like a scene out of Jersey Boys. [chuckles]

Gloria: Ay! So handsome!
Manny: Thank you.
Gloria: Manny, are you wearing aftershave?
Manny: Yes, for my date. This will be the first time she will ever smell me.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Her name is Whitney. I met her in an online book club. We both like vampire fiction and the romance of eternal life.

Jay: Look at these guys. They look like they came out of the 1800s. You see Hugo over there? After lunch, he ordered a Sanka.
Mitchell: No, they're not the ones that are uncomfortable with this. You are. You've never been completely accepting of me. And now that I have a family, it's getting a little old.
Jay: These guys don't understand the gay thing. Why create an awkward situation? That's all I'm saying.
Mitchell: That's weird, because your friend Shorty there, gay as they come.
Jay: You gotta be kiddin'.
Mitchell: Mm-mmm. No. My gaydar is never wrong, and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.
Jay: What are you talking about- gay? The guy used to be married.
Mitchell: Okay, that makes- So did Elton John, Merv Griffin, Cole Porter.

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, it's me.
Phil: Hey.
Claire: Listen, I've got a bunch of moms over here who wanna watch the talent show DVD, and I can't get the sound to work.
Phil: Is there a picture?
Claire: Yes. [tapping away]
Phil: Be honest. Did you do that thing where you get frustrated and you start pressing all the buttons?
Claire: No.

Claire: [aside to camera] I have a theory that Phil installs overly complicated things in the house just so he has an excuse to talk to me like a child. Last month, it was the thermostat.
[flashback:]
Phil: [singing to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus"] The snowflake button makes it cold, cold, cold "Set temperature" makes it hold, hold, hold The little flame makes it hot-

Whitney: I mean, men must throw themselves at you every day.
Gloria: They'II do the same for you if you just-
Whitney: Just what? Put out?
Gloria: No. Just- Like, the lipstick, the hair, push-up bra. You know. What's it matter?
Whitney: I'm never gonna be as pretty as you.
Gloria: Ay, believe me, this takes a lot of work. You just need to find your inner beauty.
Manny: It's hiding beneath a mask of insecurity.
Whitney: Okay, he's starting to freak me out.
Gloria: Manny, go play.

Jay: I'm home!
Gloria: We're here. This is Whitney. We're giving her a makeover.
Whitney: Hi. You have such a nice family and a really beautiful house.
Jay: Thanks. You two know each other how?
Manny: She's my date.
Jay: Of course she is. I'll be in here.

Jay: You're not gonna believe this. Mitchell says Shorty's gay.
Gloria: Shorty? Yeah, I believe it.
Jay: Oh, come on!
Gloria: Well, he's a great dresser, a great dancer.
Jay: That doesn't prove anything.
Gloria: He's the only one of your friends that never hits on me.
Jay: My friends hit on you?
Gloria: Yes, all the time, but don't worry. They're a bunch of harmless old men.
Jay: They're my age.