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Fifteen Percent

‘Fifteen Percent’

Season 1, Episode 13 -  Aired January 20, 2010

Mitchell is offended when Jay introduces Cameron to his pals as "a friend of my son's", so he gets his revenge by suggesting one of Jay's pals is gay. Meanwhile, Manny arranges a date over the Internet, and Claire is stumped by the new TV remote Phil bought.

Quote from Phil

Phil: [aside to camera] Can people change? Well, that's a- That is a tough one, but I would say yes. People can change. That's what I believe anyway, and I will till the day I die.
Claire: You do realize you're proving the exact opposite of your point?
Phil: See? She's changed. She used to be very supportive of me.


Quote from Claire

Phil: Where were you pointing it?
Claire: At the TV.
Phil: [laughs] This- Honey- Uh, no. I'm sorry. It's- It's a home theater.
Claire: What, so I can't point it at the TV when I want to watch the TV?
Phil: No. You point it at the receiver.
Claire: What's a receiver?
Phil: Okay, imagine our home theater system is a human body. So then the receiver is the brain. The TV is the face.
Claire: I know what part you are.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hi. I'm Cameron.
Jay: Oh, geez. I'm sorry. Guys, this is Cameron. He's a friend of my son's. This is, uh, Scotty, Dale, Hugo and Shorty.
Cameron: It's nice to meet you guys. You guys look like a scene out of Jersey Boys. [chuckles]

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Ay! So handsome!
Manny: Thank you.
Gloria: Manny, are you wearing aftershave?
Manny: Yes, for my date. This will be the first time she will ever smell me.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: Her name is Whitney. I met her in an online book club. We both like vampire fiction and the romance of eternal life.

Quote from Mitchell

Jay: Look at these guys. They look like they came out of the 1800s. You see Hugo over there? After lunch, he ordered a Sanka.
Mitchell: No, they're not the ones that are uncomfortable with this. You are. You've never been completely accepting of me. And now that I have a family, it's getting a little old.
Jay: These guys don't understand the gay thing. Why create an awkward situation? That's all I'm saying.
Mitchell: That's weird, because your friend Shorty there, gay as they come.
Jay: You gotta be kiddin'.
Mitchell: Mm-mmm. No. My gaydar is never wrong, and it is pinging like we're at a bathhouse.
Jay: What are you talking about- gay? The guy used to be married.
Mitchell: Okay, that makes- So did Elton John, Merv Griffin, Cole Porter.

Quote from Claire

Claire: [on the phone] Hey, it's me.
Phil: Hey.
Claire: Listen, I've got a bunch of moms over here who wanna watch the talent show DVD, and I can't get the sound to work.
Phil: Is there a picture?
Claire: Yes. [tapping away]
Phil: Be honest. Did you do that thing where you get frustrated and you start pressing all the buttons?
Claire: No.

Quote from Phil

Claire: [aside to camera] I have a theory that Phil installs overly complicated things in the house just so he has an excuse to talk to me like a child. Last month, it was the thermostat.
Phil: [singing to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus"] The snowflake button makes it cold, cold, cold "Set temperature" makes it hold, hold, hold The little flame makes it hot-

Quote from Gloria

Whitney: I mean, men must throw themselves at you every day.
Gloria: They'II do the same for you if you just-
Whitney: Just what? Put out?
Gloria: No. Just- Like, the lipstick, the hair, push-up bra. You know. What's it matter?
Whitney: I'm never gonna be as pretty as you.
Gloria: Ay, believe me, this takes a lot of work. You just need to find your inner beauty.
Manny: It's hiding beneath a mask of insecurity.
Whitney: Okay, he's starting to freak me out.
Gloria: Manny, go play.

Quote from Jay

Jay: I'm home!
Gloria: We're here. This is Whitney. We're giving her a makeover.
Whitney: Hi. You have such a nice family and a really beautiful house.
Jay: Thanks. You two know each other how?
Manny: She's my date.
Jay: Of course she is. I'll be in here.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: You're not gonna believe this. Mitchell says Shorty's gay.
Gloria: Shorty? Yeah, I believe it.
Jay: Oh, come on!
Gloria: Well, he's a great dresser, a great dancer.
Jay: That doesn't prove anything.
Gloria: He's the only one of your friends that never hits on me.
Jay: My friends hit on you?
Gloria: Yes, all the time, but don't worry. They're a bunch of harmless old men.
Jay: They're my age.

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