Gloria: Manny, vamos!
Manny: I'm still getting dressed. Hey, Mom, I think my diet's working. My underwear won't stay up.

Claire: [aside to camera] Okay, here's my idea. I'm really excited about it. The whole extended family, all dressed in white, in a single-file line down the staircase.
Phil: Oh, like a line on the highway.
Claire: No.
Phil: Or, uh, a ski jump.
Claire: No. Why- Why would I want a ski jump?
Phil: I don't know. My idea was to have the whole family in a giant bed, like in Willy Wonka.
Claire: Yeah, but that's ridiculous.
Phil: "Ridiculicious."

Haley: What is the big deal about this one picture?
Claire: Honey, you know what, I don't expect you to understand, but- All right, when you're a mom, everything goes by so quickly. In a minute, Luke's gonna be shaving, and Alex is gonna be off at college, and you're gonna be- You'll be doing something great. I just wanna freeze this moment as it is right now. You know?
Haley: I do. I know I don't show it, but this family's still the most important thing-
Claire: Screw it. I'm gonna fix the bastard. I mean, seriously, how hard can it be? If your father can do it, I can do it. Right?

Gloria: Why you have candy coming out of your pocket?
Phil: No, no, no, no, no. I brought my own snacks. Not because I'm cheap. It's a matter of principle. Plus I get a little rush from the danger. Be cool. Be cool.
Gloria: What?
Phil: Be cool. Just look straight ahead. I never felt more alive. Whoo!

Claire: I'm gonna call your dad, and he's gonna tell me how to fix this.
Haley: Oh, my God! It's Dad.
Claire: Where?
Haley: Right there, behind Kobe.
Claire: Oh, Kobe? How weird is this! Quick. Quick, tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant.
Claire: No, not gonna say that. [line ringing] Okay, here we go. How funny is this!
[Claire sees Phil look at his phone, reject the call and put it back in his pocket]
Haley: Well, that was pretty funny.

Gloria: What's wrong with you?
Phil: It's the kiss cam. When it lands on you, you're supposed to kiss. This is my wife's dad's second wife. So legally okay, but still weird. [crowd boos] That was awkward. And we're back. [crowd boos]
Gloria: Oh. Ay. Come on. It's not a big deal. [Gloria kisses Phil, crowd cheers]

Alex: Dad, Mom saw you on TV. You're dead.

Alex: Luke says Grandpa wants to fight you.

Claire: Why does everything have to suck?
Haley: Let's just do the picture another day. I think I'm getting a pimple.
Claire: No. Do you know how long it took me to book this photographer? Maybe by the fireplace.
Haley: Yeah. That's a classic old-person spot for a portrait.
Claire: Yeah, if I'd ever bothered to paint that hideous wall.

Phil: [aside to camera] Claire is a perfectionist, which sometimes is a good thing, like when it comes to picking a husband. [chuckles] Sometimes it's a bad thing, like when everyone else sees something beautiful and all she sees is the teeny-tiny flaw.