Luke: So the barbershop was in Washington?
Jay: Okay.
Luke: Did you cut any other famous hair?
Jay: Oh, yeah. The Kennedys, Richard Nixon, all the astronauts. How do you think Buzz Aldrin got his nickname?
Luke: Awesome.

Jay: Then one day, Wilt Chamberlain shows up. He says, "Can you take a little off the top for my friend here?" And it's Elvis.
Luke: No way.
Jay: Greatest singer that ever lived, after Sinatra. I'll fight any man who says different.
Luke: My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.
Jay: Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
Luke: Yeah, I guess.

Luke: It's hard to breathe.
Claire: Oh, you're fine.
Jay: What'd you do to him? He's turning blue.
Claire: But his clothes will stay white.

Mitchell: Oh, you're acting like I wanted to destroy the house.
Cameron: No. I just think it's odd that the majority of things you destroyed were sent to us by my mom.
Mitchell: Okay, okay, okay. So while I'm fighting off that filthy creature, I actually stop and say, "Oh, you know what, here's the opportunity I've always been looking for to destroy our kitschiest objects."
Cameron: Kitschiest? Oh, she's gonna love that. You know, if you would've come with me to the wedding, none of this would have happened.
Mitchell: Okay. So you are angry.
Cameron: Mitchell, I get it. You're terrified of small talk and birds. You're just lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat you up about the weather.

Claire: Oh, God. Oh, you look like the guy from Dance Fever.
Phil: Thank you.
Jay: Deney Terrio. Cleveland, Ohio.
Claire: Dad, really? That is not a compliment. That's why I wanted you to try those on earlier. Turn around.

Gloria: The box is across the yard.
Claire: You mean your now-soaking-wet yard? That's great. We are screwed.
Phil: No, we're not. We haven't unwrapped our secret weapon yet. Luke walks over there, Hurt Locker style flips the switch, and boom- or not boom- water off. Put the "he" in "hero," Son.

Cameron: Hurt Locker? It's more like Squirt Locker. Really? That wasn't funny? I actually pity you guys.

Manny: Cool. The kiss cam. Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us and then the crowd started-
Alex: We're related.
Manny: Not by blood.
Alex: Touch me and there will be blood.

Jay: You gotta talk to her.
Gloria: Why me?
Jay: Hola. You both speak the same language.
Gloria: She's Portuguese. Do you know how offensive it is that you put all of us in the same mixing pot? [doorbell rings]
Jay: Sorry. Please apologize to her when you tell her not to put my underwear-
Gloria: I can't talk to her!

Jay: Where's Luke?
Alex: I'm going instead.
Phil: Luke suddenly remembered a school project due tomorrow.
Jay: Oh, that's tough. But it's a good lesson for the kid. You know, you make a commitment, you gotta follow through. What is the project?
Phil: He has to interview somebody who lived through the 1960s.
Jay: Oh, no. [answers cell phone] Hello. Yeah, Luke. Oh, sure. I remember what I said. Yeah, come on over. All right.