Phil: Hey, there's my beautiful wife. I know you're mad at me, and I know this foam finger can't make up for everything.
Claire: Honey, you just go change, and we'll talk about what you did later.
Phil: Hey, thank you so much for those tickets.
Jay: Gloria tells me you had a real good time.
Phil: Not really. No, I didn't. God, I love your daughter. [trips] Oh! I should- I should come by and kiss that step- fix that step.

Haley: The picture can't happen today. My pimple's getting worse.
Claire: Oh, honey, I am so sorry. Can you stand?
Haley: Yeah.
Claire: Well, then the picture's happening.

Jay: Be careful. I stained some furniture out there this afternoon.
Claire: Of course you did, Dad. Anything else I need to know about? Maybe the neighbors on either side are having a paintball fight.

Claire: Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?
Jay: How do- How do you turn the sprinklers off?
Gloria: Ay. Of course! Because I'm Latina, I'm supposed to know everything about gardening and sprinklers!
Jay: You were here when they installed it.
Gloria: Ay, yeah.

Phil: I don't want to look at this picture when I'm 80 years old and you're long dead and know that you were angry at me when we took it.
Claire: Phil, we'll talk about what you did later.
Photographer: Okay, everybody. Eyes over here.
Phil: I didn't do anything. She kissed me.
Claire: What? Who kissed you?
Phil: Gloria.
Jay: What?
Gloria: It was the kiss cam.
Jay: Why did you kiss Cam?
Gloria: No, I kissed Phil. He told me I had to.

Claire: Uh, to the right. To the right. A skosh to the left. There we go. [inhales] Whatever. I'm gonna have to take the picture down when I repaint the wall anyhow.
Phil: Kill me now.