Cameron: [aside to camera] I got a job this summer as an assistant defensive coordinator for the Missouri State football team. Go, Bears! I'm going home.
Mitchell: And I have been crazy with work, which means Lily will be going back and forth between the two of us. It has been a little tense putting together a time-share agreement, though.
Cameron: I haven't been making it tense. You're the one who treats our daughter like she's a vacation property in Aruba.
Mitchell: Maybe you should be promoted to very defensive coordinator.

Cameron: You know, I never would have agreed to give up 4th of July, and now I'm worried he's trying to trick me out of Biscuit Bonanza.
Rich: B-Biscuit Bonanza?
Cameron: It's what it sounds like. It's a biscuit-baking competition, and then you see who can throw theirs the furthest.
Mitchell: May I present Exhibit "A"?
[recording on Mitchell's phone:]
Cameron: That's fine, Mitchell. I don't care about 4th of July, as long as I get Lily for Biscuit Bonanza.
Lily: Biscuit Bonanza?!
Cameron: Yeah. It's what it sounds like. It's a biscuit-baking...

Jay: I want to use all caps to get across how angry I am, but it takes forever to press "shift" before each letter.
Manny: Why don't you just put on the caps lock?
Jay: You can do that?
Manny: [chuckles] Oh, Jay. Just double-click here.
Jay: Didn't work.
Manny: Well, that's because you didn't double-click. You just clicked twice.
Jay: The hell's the difference?
Manny: Double-click. See?
Jay: That's exactly what I did. Double click.
Manny: No, you're still just clicking twice. Listen to me -- "Double-click." Not "Double click."
Jay: I'm not an idiot. Double-click!
Manny: You can't possibly think that's the same thing!
Jay: It's the exact same thing!
Manny: Double-click!
Jay: Double-click!
Manny: Oh, what the-
[aside to camera:]
Manny: It's the first time I've ever used the F-word.

Gloria: Joe, what are all these cartoons? Now all of Mommy's movies are gone!
Joe: Manny did it.
Manny: What am I supposed to do when I babysit this guy? Make conversation? The kid has two stories.
Joe: Look. I'm a tree.
Manny: That's the good one.

Manny: [answering phone] Hello?
Jay: How do you work a copy machine?
Manny: You can't be serious.
Jay: I need to make 12 double-sided copies. It's an impossible task.
Manny: Can't you just ask someone for help?
Jay: I made a big deal out of coming back here to work. I'd like to appear useful. Wait. On the screen, there's an exclamation mark. Is that good?
Manny: I don't think it means it's excited about what's happening. Did you put the original in the tray?
Jay: Tray? You mean like a serving tray?
Manny: Yes, Jay. I want you to put papers in a serving tray. How have you remained alive?

Phil: Andy. Hey. Hold on a sec. Um, I know we didn't get to finish our talk earlier, because of Alex's surprise pop-in. [Alex leaves] Listen. If you're not taking that job in Utah because of me, you're making a mistake. I love you and me together, but it would break my heart if I was the reason you gave up this dream career opportunity, because, honestly, I don't know how much of a future there is here. But if our bond is as strong as we think it is we'll work our way back to each other.
Andy: Okay.
Haley: What he said.

Andy: So, this is the end of the line.
Haley: No. No! I told you! You're gonna come visit, I'll come there-
Andy: No. I meant security.
Haley: Oh.
Andy: So none of that messy stuff, because this is not goodbye goodbye.
Haley: Yeah. We'll leave the drama to those two.
Andy: "Promise me you won't forget me, my darling."
Haley: "I'll love you until this pantsuit comes back in style."
Andy: "I don't regret a single minute I've spent with you."
Haley: "I think you're the first man I've ever loved."
Andy: Not a single minute.
Haley: [voice breaking] You really are the first.

Phil: I'm so relieved. I wasn't ready for that. You thought you saw something that wasn't there.
Claire: It's dark, and we shared an entire bottle of wine.
Phil: It is dark. I didn't see you do air quotes around "shared."

Phil: All right. These contracts are good to go. All that's left is the inspection.
Andy: Already scheduled it.
Phil: Andy, if I could bottle you up and put you into a cologne, you know what I'd call it? "Initiative." The black-and-white commercial would have models turning into panthers. "Initiative -- a unisex fragrance from California."

Alex: Hey!
Phil: Hey! What are you doing home?
Alex: Are you serious? School's out. I'm home for the summer. You knew this.
Phil: Must have slipped my mind. I'm so glad you're back.
Alex: That's it? Sanjay's parents are throwing him a three-day "Welcome Home" party. They even made him a suit out of marigolds.