Alex: Okay. You need to calm down. This is a college tour, not Oprah's favorite things.

Alex: It's one of the most prestigious tech schools in the country. But if you must know, I don't love everything about it.
Claire: What? Oh, the mascot's a beaver. Don't worry. Those jokes will get old.

Phil: What do you guys think this is gonna be?
Luke: I bet they'll show us those ink blots that always look like two girls kissing.
Phil: A little tip from an old pro, they can electrify cheese, so...

Luke: Hey, look at that. "Do not push."
Phil: What are you doing?
Luke: Teaching this button a little something about free will.
Phil: Luke, it says, "do not push."
Luke: Which just makes me want to push it more. Haley, back me up.
Haley: Push it, don't push it. I don't care. Is this mirror weird? I look fuzzy.
Luke: Who puts up a button with a sign that says you can't push it?
Phil: The same people who stack the deck so the monkey always wins... scientists!
Luke: What are you talking about?
Phil: We're not waiting for the experiment. This is the experiment! They're watching us right now!

Cameron: Okay. She looks like Pepper's pomeranian. We have to say something.

Mitchell: Well, that was a disaster.
Cameron: Agreed. But can I just say I love how melodramatic she's getting?
Mitchell: So fantastic.
Cameron: The little [stomps]
Mitchell: I know.

Gloria: What did you get me? What did you get me?
Manny: It's a bunny, mom.
Jay: It's a little rough around the edges, but I'm just hoping you'll love what I put into it.
Gloria: Oh, you put something inside?! [smashes the bunny] I don't get it. There's nothing inside.
Jay: Yeah, that's, uh... 'cause, um... The damn stupid jeweler didn't put the bracelet in there.
Gloria: Oh, the rose gold with the waves that I told you that I loved?
Jay: Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.
Manny: Jay.
Jay: No, it's fine, Manny. I can run down to the store right now and get it. [sobbing] Stupid jeweler!
Gloria: Ay, Jay, don't scream at him. It was an honest mistake.
Jay: Yeah, in his heart, he was probably trying to do the right thing.

Jason: I was just sorta hoping you'd be going here.
Alex: Really? Did my mother put you up to this?
Jay: Does your mom tell boys to flirt with you?
Alex: Oh. You're- You're- You're flirting with me. I mean, I don't mean to sound so surprised. A lot of boys flirt with me. Not a lot. Some. Actually, one of them has Asperger's. He could tell you the weather on the day you were born. Okay. Well, I don't know why I said that. The point is, I am single, by my own choosing, so... [accidentally hits emergency alarm button] Oh, my God! I am fine! I'm fine! Everything's fine!

Luke: Is this about me skipping class again? It's weird how obsessed you are with that. Now let me push that button!
Phil: No! If you can't even pass a simple test, how are you ever gonna get in to a good college? Or hold down a job? We only have one basement. There's no place for you to move when your life bottoms out!

Luke: Dad, I cut that class because I had to get one last shot for my movie. You would've done the same thing. [gasps] Oh, my God! You're not mad at me. You're mad at yourself because I'm just like you.
Phil: [pants] Whoa.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: Total shot in the dark.