Alex Quote #357

Quote from Alex in Commencement

Alex: If mathematics doesn't matter, then no one can be certain of anything, and I've just wasted the last four... no, sixteen years of my life, and there's no point in me graduating!
Claire: Okay, I can tell that you're very upset, and you're probably really overtired from finals. But you are gonna regret it if you don't go to graduation. Look, I promise, whatever is bothering you, figure it out after the ceremony...
Alex: After?!
Claire: Yes.
Alex: "After" implies "before"! But if one minute ago is the same as zero minutes ago, then before is now and now is after!
Haley: Usually when I hear people talking like this, we're walking through a Taco Bell drive-through.

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‘Commencement’ Quotes

Quote from Alex

Alex: [aside to camera] So we were done with classes, done with finals, and, like college seniors since the beginning of time, we decided to get a little nuts.
[flashback:]
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
[v.o.:]
Alex: Our classmate Ashish Chug hacked his key card to get us access to the restricted section of the library. We decided to read Alister's Last Theorem. Gottlob Alister wrote a proof showing that zero equals one. This rendered mathematics meaningless and drove him insane. According to legend, the same fate befalls anyone who reads and understands the proof.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, boy. Is it already the first day of livestock auction season again?
Cameron: It's the same day every year, Mitchell, a fortnight after the first ripe tomato comes in. And seriously? This is what passes for auction-calling these days?
Mitchell: Is it possible you're being a tad harsh?
Cameron: You know, when you've been at the top of your field... Greater Bug County Auction-Calling Champ three years running, it's hard to see anything but the inadequacies. It's why Baryshnikov couldn't watch others dance.
Mitchell: What? He was the Artistic Director of...
Lily: How long have you lived in this house?! It's gonna wind up being some pig named Baryshnikov or some damn thing.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Hey, hey, hey, I was humiliated much worse than you. It was so unfair. A lifetime of service out the window. You think I don't see the faces of owls every night I close my eyes?
Joe: At least you've accomplished something they can tear down. I'm a fraud!
Gloria: You see what you did to your brother? Look at those sad, hurt eyes.
Jay: Like a sad little owl.

Alex Quotes

Quote from En Garde

Haley: No! No, no, no, no, no! Phone died!
Alex: No biggie. Your battery probably just statically defracticated.
Haley: What?
Alex: It means you can recharge it with static electricity. Just rub it on your hair.

Quote from Baby on Board

Michael: You look flawless.
Alex: Thanks.
Michael: Did I not say coral was the color for you? Look what it does for your skin. Hi!
Phil: Hi, buddy.
Claire: Hi.
[aside to camera:]
Alex: Yes, my bad boy prom date is gay. He just doesn't know it yet, so I'm basically his beard. Pre-beard. His stubble.

Quote from Truth Be Told

Alex: Hey, Luke. Big day for you, huh?
Luke: Why?
Alex: Because you will get to meet your real mom.
Luke: What? [scoffs]
Alex: We all made a pact we'd deny it until you turned 21. But that's the real reason Dad's old girlfriend's coming over. She's your mom, and if she likes you, you'll go live with her.
Luke: I'm not adopted. I'm asking Mom.
Alex: You mean Mrs. Dunphy? She's not going to tell you the truth.