Haley: We get it. It was bad. But, you know I guess it's better than having parents who fight all the time. Maybe.
Luke: My friend Jacob's parents are getting divorced. He has to move out of his house. They told him last week.
Alex: That sucks.
Haley: He'll get used to it. Half of my friends' parents are divorced.
Alex: Mine too.
Haley: It's insane.
Luke: So it's a good thing Mom and Dad still do sex.
Alex: Better than Mom leaving the stove on, which she's done twice this month.

Haley: I just realized we haven't even gotten to the worst part of it yet.
Alex: Which is?
Haley: They're gonna want to talk about it.
Luke: Maybe not.
Alex: Are you kidding? Their parents never talked about anything so they want to talk about everything.
Haley: Yeah. They called a family meeting when we switched to one percent milk.

Claire: I don't know where those kids are.
Jay: What is more important than putting a working lock on a bedroom door?
Claire: You are one to talk.
Jay: What is that supposed to mean?
Claire: You don't remember when I walked in on you and Mom that time?
Jay: Gloria, could we please go now?

Phil: Working okay for you?
Gloria: Yes. I was sending an e-mail to my brother in Colombia.
Phil: Oh.
Gloria: I was telling him about Claire. You know, I realized there's so much I don't know about her. Like, for example, what is her favorite word? Or what was her first pet's name?
Phil: Gloria, I'm not an idiot. Are you trying to get Claire's password?
Gloria: Okay, fine. I sent her something by mistake. I need to get into Claire's e-mail to erase it before she sees it.

Claire: Hi, Gloria. Before I see what?
Gloria: It's so embarrassing. You see, Jay and I-
Jay: It's a naked picture of Gloria.
Phil: Whoa.
Gloria: Yes. Naked.
Claire: Mmm.
Gloria: I was gonna send it to Jay. You see everything the whole body.
Phil: I need to sit.

Claire: Wow, Dad. So you just got done giving me a lecture on the importance of locking my bedroom door while in my house to retrieve naked pictures that your wife accidentally sent me.
Jay: The irony is just occurring to me.
Claire: Mmm. Mmm.

Jay: Let's go to Vegas!
Gloria: Ciao!
Claire: Do us a favor. No pictures. Oh, Gloria. Listen. We do need to talk about the bake sale at some point. I have some concerns.
Gloria: Of course you do.
Jay: Bye-bye! [pulling Gloria out of the room]

Claire: What do we do now?
Phil: Okay, I'm really afraid of reading this situation the wrong way but I'm 80% sure you're coming on to me. Okay, now 40.

Amelia: Oh, my God. What happened here?
Mitchell: Jackson did it.
Cameron: He grabbed Lily's strawberry juice and started drinking it.
Mitchell: Before we could stop him, it was all over everything.
Amelia: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Mitchell: We are horrible people.
Cameron: I'm only following your lead.
Mitchell: Yeah, so close that you stepped on the back of my shoe.

Amelia: He really hates this so I'm gonna need you to help me pin down his arms and his legs, okay? Jackson, Mommy's so sorry to have to do this, but it's only gonna hurt for a second. His arms!
Mitchell: Oh! Okay.
Amelia: All right, here we go. One. Two.
Mitchell: Wait!
Cameron: Wait!
Mitchell: Jackson didn't drink the juice.
Cameron: I stepped on Lily's bag. The juice box fell and we panicked because we heard you on the phone and we can't afford Joan Collins's rug!
Mitchell: We are so, so sorry. We could not feel any worse. [knocks over vase]
Jackson: Oh, no. That's bad.