Sal: What the hell got into me?
Cameron: Besides the bartender's tongue?
Mitchell: Yes. Yes, well, that was a little inappropriate. But let's not overreact. It's perfectly natural to have a panic attack before making a big life decision.
Sal: What if it's the wrong decision? What if Tony's not the guy? What if he's the guy? Or him? He is cute. When did he come in?

Cameron: Okay, you need to focus, Sal. You are about to make a sacred, lifelong commitment.
Sal: Aah! You are not making this better! [phone rings] Oh, God, it's Tony. I'm supposed to pick him up and drive him to the wedding? [silence] Everybody shut up for a second! Okay, you know what? I'm gonna marry him. What's the worst that can happen? I get a divorce. People do it all the time. [phone rings again] Oh, you're suffocating me!

Haley: So you wanna go back to that vegan place?
Claire: Ooh. Leather jacket. Can't take the hate.

Valerie: So how is the big date going?
Phil: I don't know.
Valerie: Simone was so nervous. When they were chatting on the computer, I had to write everything for her.
Phil: That's so funny. I did the same thing for Luke.
Valerie: So the whole time we were talking to each other?
Phil: Wait, does that make this our date?
Valerie: Well, a good father, funny, handsome. A girl could do a lot worse.
Phil: [high-pitched laugh]

Gloria: I think this is broken. We're gonna have to find another spot.
Jay: No, we'll be late for the movie. Are you sure you're doing it right?
Gloria: We both know I know how to use a credit card.

Jay: We gotta get home. Look. Manny's notebook. More drawings and a poem, "Ode to Daliya."
Gloria: So those were not my boobs? They were Daliya's boobs?
Jay: Yep. This is not a "Nude descending a staircase," this is a "Nude vacuuming a staircase."

Haley: You shouldn't play with your food.
Claire: What are you doing here?
Haley: I knew you were upset I left, and I felt bad, so I came back.
Claire: You're here out of guilt?
Haley: I know. I'm growing up.

Haley: Why are you rolling your eyes at me? I'm doing a nice thing.
Claire: Because I want you to be here because you want to be here.
Haley: Okay, you're being really needy right now. Oh, my God. Are you going through the change?
Claire: Stop asking me that every time I express an emotion. And no, I am not. It's just so damn hot in here.

Valerie: Oh, my God, Phil, you are hilarious.
Phil: Yep. That's how I got my wife of 20 years. Could we get the check, please? Oh, I got this.
Valerie: Ooh, funny and generous. If my husband were more like you maybe I'd still be married.
Phil: Well, if my wife were here, she'd want me to be clear that I'm fully committed to her. You know that, right?
Valerie: What?
Phil: No, I just wanna make sure, because you unbuttoned a button, and I love my wife, so...
Valerie: You were the one who was flirting and saying we're on a date.
Phil: That was a joke, but I'm- I'm sorry if I misled you at all.
Valerie: Thank you.
Phil: But there was a lot of touching.
Valerie: I touched your shoulder for a second.
Phil: No, it was more of a stroke, like this... Okay. I'm so sorry for touching your hand with my boob. I mean my boob with your hand.

Jay: Okay, back away from the nanny.
Gloria: Oh, my God, it looks like a Madonna video in here!