Phil: Guess what? Suddenly, you're 60 years old, wandering toothless and alone in a postapocalyptic wasteland.
Haley: Wait a second. How did Dylan get the nuclear codes again?
Phil: During the robot wars.
Claire: Okay, I think your father might have gotten a little bit off-track here.

Dylan: Could you do one thing for me, though? Could you take me to your prom?
Phil: Really?
Dylan: Yeah. I mean, if you go off to college and you don't come back here, I want you to remember me. I wanna be your Angela Wilkins.

Cameron: Mitchell! Where are you going?!
Mitchell: [voice breaking] I'm just sick of it, Cam.
Cameron: Mitchell. Mitchell, come back here and talk to me. There are coyotes out here and- And meth addicts!
Mitchell: Every time, Cam. Every time someone says that we're getting a-a baby, I get my hopes up and then- And then when it all falls apart, I- We just have to go through the whole thing again. And then meanwhile, the child that we do have is- Is at a recital, and- Aand we're missing it.
Cameron: [voice breaks] I know. I'm as frustrated as you are.
Mitchell: Are you? Because I-I don't- I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am- I am so tired and- And just disappointed. And I'm just tired. [sighs]
Cameron: Then let's take a break.
Mitchell: Really?
Cameron: It must be exhausting, always keeping it together for the both of us. Oh. And I'm tired, too.
Mitchell: I think I'm lying on a rock.
Cameron: I'm lying next to my rock.

Phil: Okay, Luke, let's see what else you've been hiding from us.
Luke: Okay, fine. Here's a bill for the birdhouse I blew up at the Dude Ranch.
Claire: You blew up a birdhouse?
Luke: Let's hold all questions until the end. Here's dad's jury duty thing for the day we went to Disneyland. I didn't want you to cancel the trip.
Phil: Good call.
Luke: Here's a coupon for a gun range for mom. I don't know what that's about.
Claire: I don't know either.
Luke: Report card. Report card. Notice from the city to take down the tree house or be fined $25 a day. Report card. Red light ticket from when me and Manny stole that-

Cameron: One, two, three, four. And skip, two, three, four. And turn, two, three, four.
Lily: I don't like this part.
Cameron: Well, honey, if you spot the wall, then you won't get dizzy. Here, watch daddy, okay?
Mitchell: Oh. How cool would it be if you turned into wonder woman right now?

Mitchell: [answering phone] Hello? Uh-huh.
Cameron: "Uh-huh" what?
Mitchell: Yep. Really?
Cameron: "Really" what?
Mitchell: [gasps] That- That mother from Calexico, she picked us.
Cameron: She did?
Mitchell: Uh-huh. She- She went into early labor. She's having the baby today.
Cameron: She is?!
Mitchell: Uh-huh. We have to go to Calexico right now.
Cameron: We do?!
Mitchell: Just assume everything I say is the truth.

Mitchell: [answering phone] Hey, Claire.
Claire: You are driving to some California border town to adopt a baby, and I have to hear about it from Gloria?
Mitchell: [to Cameron] I was outside for two minutes.
Cameron: I kept it in as long as I could. [high-pitched voice] We're having a baby!

Claire: We got Alex the cutest prom dress. Show your dad.
Phil: Well, I don't like how far down that zipper goes, but on the plus side, it looks water-resistant.

Luke: I can't believe Haley's not going to the prom and Alex is.
Alex: What's that supposed to mean?
Phil: I know I keep saying it, Haley, but you should be going. It's a major moment in a teenager's life, and you're missing it.
Haley: Proms are lame. It's just an excuse for dressed up dorks to ride in limos and hump each other.
Phil: Okay. Now I don't like the idea of Alex going.
Claire: Sweetie, I think we're fine. It's- It's Alex.
Alex: What's that supposed to mean?
Luke: It means you're a geek.
Alex: You know what? You know what? I might just go crazy tonight and... and... and hook up all over him. [all laugh] Why are you laughing? That's not funny. I'm not even gonna wear my glasses!

Jay: What just happened here?
Lily: I have to go to the bathroom.
Manny: She's talking to you.
Jay: You wanna take that?