Manny: We're both thinking it. I'm just gonna say it. Lily's dance is not up to the standard of what we just saw.
Jay: In my head, I'm golfing right now.

Jay: Lily. Your teacher tells me you don't want to dance. Is that true? But you were so good back at the house when you were practicing.
Lily: I wanna go home, to my house.
Jay: Ah, to your house, huh? Are you sad your dads aren't here? [Lily nods] Yeah. Well, I know they're sad to miss this, but they're getting you that baby brother. That's good, right? [Lily shakes her head] You know, honey, your dads are gonna love you just as much when you get this brother. Trust me. I first had your aunt Claire, and then your dad came along, and I loved them just the same, no matter what he tells you. You believe me? [Lily shrugs her shoulders] Close enough. So what do you say? You gonna go out there and dance for everybody?
Lily: No.
Jay: Honey, there must be something I can do to get you out there.
Lily: [whispers] Come dance with me, grandpa.
Jay: No, honey, that's not gonna happen. How about I give you 50 bucks?

Haley: I don't see why I can't do this. I'm totally getting my life together.
Claire: Uh, allow me, if you will, to paint an accurate picture of this life, you think you want, okay? Um, at first, it's a blast: Buying a dish rack, hanging a sheet up to turn one room into two.
Phil: Allen-wrenching a bookcase called a Nurnk because you couldn't afford the Sklurg.
Claire: But then... Then those bills start rolling in, so you gotta pick up some extra shifts. And suddenly [gasps] Uh-oh, what's that? You're pregnant.
Phil: Should've been safe.
Claire: Ooh, and you're stressed and exhausted. You've got a garage filled with unsold huge t-shirts. And, honey, if you think this kind of stress is not gonna take its toll on that body and that face, think again. [singsongy] Good-bye, beautiful skin. Farewell, silky hair. [normal voice] And hello, Alex's hand-me-downs, 'cause you can't afford to shop.
Haley: [gasps]
Phil: Good one.

Mitchell: He thinks he's some sort of an expert because for the past two weeks, he's been watching this ridiculous Spanish soap opera.
Jay: "Fire And Ice"? Don't say a word about the ending of last night's episode. Gloria watches that. You'll ruin it.

Mitchell: Oh, thank you, Gloria. I-I hate to ask this of you, but would you mind coming with us? We need someone who actually knows how to speak Spanish.
Cameron: Frío. Muy frío.

Lily: Watch me dance.
Jay: Honey, you don't need to practice anymore. The turning, the jumping, the little bird thing, you've got it.
Lily: What's this?
Jay: Sweetie, please don't play with the pieces. I've told you, they're very delicate.
Lily: What are you building?
Jay: It's a model of a plane that was built for Amelia Earhart.
Lily: Why?
Jay: Because she wanted to fly around the world.
Lily: Why?
Jay: Because she probably needed to get away from her kids.
Lily: Why?
Jay: [to Manny] You know how to stop this?
Manny: I'm on it. Lily, we really need you to let us concentrate for a few minutes, okay?
Lily: Your hair is weird.
Manny: Um, now I'm flustered.

Cameron: Oh, uh, sorry. Maybe think about something else. You know, I missed "Fire And Ice" on Monday. What happened?
Mitchell: My guess is a bunch of ridiculous plot turns done by overwrought actors who are impossibly good-looking.
Cameron: Don't listen to him.
Gloria: Nothing, really. Antonio hired a hooker to marry his father so that he can get back the money, but the hooker ended up being his long lost sister, the former beauty queen.
Mitchell: Oh. Well, I stand uncorrected.

Claire: "Our place"? What? What?
Haley: Um, well, since I have a job now and I'm going to community college, uh, Dylan and I were thinking that, you know, we would get an apartment together.
Claire: What?
Luke: Are you doing sex?

Mitchell: What was that for?!
Cameron: The nurse stole her grandmother's almonds.
Gloria: No, the nurse is mad at Juanita because Juanita stole her lover, and Juanita is mad at the nurse because the nurse told the grandmother about the baby!
Both: Our baby?
[Cameron, Mitchell and Gloria all stare off into the distance in dramatic soap-opera style]

Dance Teacher: Hi, Mr. Pritchett? I'm Lily's dance teacher Lucy. We have a little bit of an issue.
Lily doesn't want to perform.
Jay: Oh, the poor thing. [to Manny] You get the kid, I'll get the car.