Lily: What does this do?
Luke: I don't know, but thanks to Obama, you're paying for it.

Jay: [on the phone] What are you doing there?
Mitchell: They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
Jay: Shouldn't they have a real lawyer?
Phil: Oh, God. Should we?
Mitchell: I am a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
Jay: Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Mitchell: Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
Phil: That's adorable.
Jay: You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs somebody who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
Mitchell: Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?

Claire: What are you wearing?
Haley: What? What's wrong with it?
Claire: Honey, you are fighting for your future in front of a disciplinary committee, not entertaining the secret service.
Haley: In "Legally Blonde," Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
Phil: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.