Jay: If I could only save one possession in a fire, probably my first set of golf clubs. My old man gave 'em to me.
Gloria: The engagement ring that Jay gave me that changed my life.
Mitchell: Lily's adoption papers.
Cameron: I was gonna say adoption papers. So I guess, then, I would say my mom's recipe book.
Phil: All our family photos. Which I keep on my iPad, so my iPad.
Claire: As long as I have my family, I wouldn't need anything else. [all groan] What?
Phil: You say something like that, it makes us all seem petty.
Luke: Yeah.
Claire: I know. I know. [all boo]

Claire: Dad, you're gonna kill yourself.
Jay: I got it! We're on a schedule here. I still have to pick up the truck.
Gloria: If you want him to stop lifting things, put all this in grocery bags and turn the TV onto a football game.

Phil: Oh, take this phone away from me.
Claire: Why? Two of our best brokers left to start their own agency, and the office gossip is flying. But I want today to be about the Rands And if I have this- Oh, my God! Those guys took two secretaries and the tube dude with them!
Gloria: Who's the tube dude?
Phil: You know, the blowy guy that attracts all the attention. This guy.
Gloria: Ah, si, I've seen him. He goes down over there, and then he shakes up. And goes down in there, and then-
Phil: You almost got it.

Mitchell: Hi, hi, sorry. We would have been here sooner, but this one had a wardrobe crisis.
Cameron: You know, it's a somber occasion, and all my tops are too joyful.
Mitchell: You do not want our problems.

Manny: Poor Reuben, huh? Having to rebuild his whole life at age 12.
Luke: Yeah. That blows.
Manny: I know we're both shaken up, but let's watch the language.

Gloria: Okay, put this in a safe place. It's for Reuben. It's one of those, um, how do you say again, the takka-takka-takka...
Luke: Is that the helicopter with the camera in it that you control with your phone?
Manny: The one I asked for?
Gloria: Okay, when your house burns down, you get one of these. No, don't burn your house down.

Luke: How lucky is Reuben?
Manny: So lucky.
Luke: You know what? I say we take this thing out and see how she flies.
Manny: I don't know. My mom got it for Reuben.
Luke: Oh, so now he won't even share his toys?
Manny: He never does.
Luke: Screw that guy!
Manny: Yeah! You're a terrible influence.
Luke: You need me.

Gloria: Claire, in case you want to add something, I put the box of dresses outside and this is the box of snicker snackers.
Claire: Mm. Thanks. Mitchell, we did have something to add to this box of, um, [as Gloria] Snicker snackers. What?
Mitchell: English is not her first language. She's just trying to help.
Claire: Mitchell, come on. You can't do that. You can't just change the rules. This is what we do. When Gloria says something silly, we innocently laugh behind her back.

Mitchell: What's the big deal? We're friends. I like Gloria.
Claire: Uh, it's no big deal. I have nothing against her, I just think- [knocks over box of knick-knacks] Oh! All right. So before you get all judge-y, I gave her that vase.
Mitchell: After I gave it to you.

Haley: You couldn't part with that T-shirt?
Alex: I love this shirt.
Haley: You know, you don't have to look the way you look. Amber Rand lost all her clothes in a fire, but she gets to build herself a new wardrobe. Let me burn your clothes.