Gloria: Claire, I heard what happened with the vase, but I don't want you to worry about it.
Claire: I'm so sorry. I should have told you about that sooner. It just- I have really been shaken by this whole fire thing. You know, life is so fragile.
Gloria: I know, like a vase.

Claire: You tattled on me?
Mitchell: She asked me about it. What was I supposed to do? [Claire snickers] Why are you making those cruel sounds with your mouth?
Claire: You don't see it? You're turning Gloria into mom.
Mitchell: What?
Claire: Mm-hmm. First you got all defensive of her, and then you tattled on me to her. That's exactly what you did with old mom. It's what you're doing with new mom.

Mitchell: Only you could make my friendship with Gloria into something ugly.
Claire: Don't get me wrong. I think it's sweet. We've all got our thing. You have mommy issues.
Mitchell: I do not have mommy issues!
Gloria: Okay. So I pick you up tomorrow, we go get you your big boy pants, and then we go and get a little ice cream, okay?
Claire: Perfect.

Man: Come on! Move that truck!
Cameron: I hate you!

Cameron: Oh, hey! They don't sell pizzas at this restaurant! You parked here illegally! Congratulations, sir. You're destroying America.

Cameron: Okay, wow. I guess I owe you an apology. I made a leap there. I'm just used to dealing with stereotypes. I'm a little sensitive about it.
Haley: Oh! There's the trucker that I talked to. Hey! Excuse me! Hi! Could you give us a hand, please?
Bearded Man: [camp voice] Sure thing, sweetie.
Cameron: Oh, like she'll be able to help us.

Claire: Oh, um, Gloria, do you mind if I talk to Mitchell alone for a minute?
Gloria: It's okay. I already know what you said, and I think it's crazy. Mitchell is not making me his mommy.
Claire: No, I know. He's not, but I think that I might be.
Gloria: Okay, now you're going really, really crazy, because I am younger than you.
Claire: Mm, by 14 months, so let's settle down.

Jay: Well, what does Claire think?
Phil: I haven't told her yet. I wanted to talk to you first. You've done this.
Jay: Well, I think that there's only really one question.
Phil: Whether I'm ready to run my own company?
Jay: Ah, you're great with people. We know you're a good salesman. You've managed to provide a good living in tough times.
Phil: Then what? Is this the right time?
Jay: Never a perfect time. House could burn down tomorrow. Question is, do you want this?
Phil: Yeah. Yeah, I really want it.
Jay: Then gamble on yourself. I'd gamble on you.

Mitchell: Ssh. Cam's sleeping. I don't wanna wake him.
Haley: He's had a rough day.
Alex: Not as rough as grandpa's truck.
Mitchell: Shh! Thank you so much for driving me. I really didn't want to ride in that big rig.
Alex: It was amazing. Everybody was honking, and I learned, like, five new curse words.
Haley: Mostly from Cam.

Cameron: [o.s.] Oh, I'm glad I could give you a laugh today. You know, I didn't know that's what I was to you people, a big joke.
Mitchell: No, honey, it wasn't like that.
Haley: No, we really didn't mean-
Alex: Uncle Cam, we love you.
Cameron: [dressed as Fizbo] Save it. I'm going back to bed.
Haley: So he's still doing that?
Mitchell: Yeah. Yeah, but we're working on it.