Claire: Girls, get down here. There's a lot of work to do.
Alex: Ugh. She's in a mood.
Haley: You know what we have to do, right?
Alex: There's no way you're my real sister!
Haley: I hate you! I can't believe you would ever-
Alex: You're the most selfish-
Claire: Okay, That's it! I cannot take the fighting! Just get out of the house.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: Works every time.

Cameron: You know, I don't even wanna drive the truck anymore even though on the farm I was-
Jay: I can't take another farm story.
Cameron: Yay!
Jay: You might wanna take someone with you. The thing's been parked there six months. You're gonna want to hose it down, sweep for spiders.
Claire: Good news, girls. You're going with Uncle Cam.
Cameron: Yay!

Phil: Okay. Now just disrobe and place the towel over your buttocks.

Cameron: [affected accent] Riding the open road in a big rig like this sure can work up a man's powerful appetite.
Alex: We've gone five blocks.
Cameron: [normal voice] Do you want a burger or not?

Cameron: Wow. This place got crowded.
Alex: Whoa. You're really wedged in there. You want us to help guide you out?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: That question, it was like a hate crime.

Phil: That's the spirit. Thank you. I just need to make sure that the oil is a perfect 98.6. And it is perfect. Now I want you to take a deep breath and let me transport you to a land I call Relaxi-stan.

Jay: Oh, mama Lucian, that's good.

Luke: So you wanna try it?
Manny: I don't know. I'm still feeling guilty. It's Reuben's helicopter.
Luke: Reuben is the whole reason we should be doing this. He's barely living proof that life can change in a second. You gotta grab what you can when you can.
Manny: What is this hold you have on me?

Phil: Just relax. Let me know if I'm hurting you.
Jay: Are you kidding me? It's fantastic. I love you. This! I love this!
[aside to camera:]
Jay: It just slipped out. Those are the worst three words I could say to Phil. I was just praying he would let it go and not make a big deal about it.
[back:]
Phil: Oh, my God. This is huge. Jay, I'm sorry. I need a minute.
Jay: Son of a bitch! [feeling his back] Son of a bitch.

Mitchell: Oh, these are fantastic. Why is Manny getting rid of them?
Gloria: He said that they were last season.
Mitchell: I used to have a pair like these. I can never find 'em anymore.
Gloria: Oh, there's an outlet store. They don't have men's size, but I'm sure the biggest size for boys would fit you perfectly. I'll take you.
Mitchell: All right. It's a date.