Mitchell: He's amazing. I had this knot in my leg, two minutes with Phil and it was gone.
Jay: I'm sorry, but I think you might have a higher tolerance for a man's hands on your body than I do.
Mitchell: Charming.

Gloria: Ay, don't be an idiot. Let Phil help you.
Jay: Fine.
Phil: Great! I'll just go get the room ready. I'll think you'll be surprised with what these hands can do.
Cameron: Really? Can they drive a bobcat skid-steer with a bucket grapple through a school hallway on a dare? Because these can and have.

Haley: Hey, Alex, maybe Uncle Cam will let you borrow his hat later. You know, since you dress like a dude.
Alex: I like the way I dress.
Haley: Uncle Cam, as her future prom date, will you please talk to her? You know fashion.
Cameron: First of all, you're each beautiful in your own way, but you're both playing for second, because I'm too sexy for this truck.
Alex: I have to say, you do drive it surprisingly well.
Haley: Yeah, who would have thought?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Surprising? What, that- That a gay man can drive a truck? You know, I expect that kind of thinking from Jay's generation. But from our future generation? No.

Phil: You know, the native Americans believe that burning sage kept bad energy away.
Jay: How'd that work out for 'em? Get to the back.

Luke: Oh, well.
Manny: What do you mean "Oh, well"? My mom's gonna kill us.
Luke: Us? You were flying it. I was in the attic packing boxes.
Manny: You're gonna help me find it, or the next search will be for you.
Luke: I like this guy. Where's he been?

Phil: [aside to camera] The two guys who left the firm asked me to quit my job and partner with them at the new agency. Big opportunity, big risk, and they need an answer by the end of the day. I don't always make great decisions under pressure.
[flashback:]
Claire: What the hell is that?
Phil: An alpaca. I got the last one.

Cameron: All right! All right! Everybody relax! We're fine! We're fine!
Haley: We are not fine!
Alex: And we're all smooshed!
Haley: And we're scared!
Alex: And we're tilted at a 30-degree angle!
Haley: Nerd! And we're dirty and tired and late!

Haley: Why couldn't we have just asked for help?
Cameron: 'Cause I'm teaching you girls a very valuable lesson: that gay men can do anything straight men can do.
Haley: Yeah, we know that. Do you think you're the only gay guy that we know?
Alex: Yeah. My soccer coach is gay.
Haley: Our pediatrician.
Alex: My Latin tutor.
Haley: Nerd! Our electrician.
Cameron: Well, then why were you so surprised when I said I could drive a truck?
Haley: Not because you're gay, because you're you.
Alex: And by the way, you can't.

Claire: Boy, do you have the right idea. Could use a little break from the mother and child reunion going on down there. Don't ask. Mitchell's turning Gloria into mom. Bam! It's out. Hmm. You remember the way mom and Mitchell used to be in their private little club, just the two of them, and no one else allowed in. Well, [chuckles] it's happening again, but this time around, it's happening with your wife. You should see them down there. It would actually be adorable if it weren't so sick. I just- You know, I feel like Mitchell is a grown man, he has a child, and he's still working out some psychodrama from 20 years ago. Daddy, can I have a sip of your beer, please? Thanks. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Mitchell cozies up to mom, I go running to daddy. I'm the one who's turning Gloria into mom, which is really disturbing since we're the same age.
Jay: You're older.
Claire: Oh. Oh, that's where we're gonna chime in?

Gloria: Okay, can you two try hugging a box so that your poor mother doesn't have to do all the hard work?
Claire: I am sorry, Gloria, about all the mom stuff today. I just- I got this crazy idea that you liked Mitchell better than me.
Mitchell: I do like Mitchell better than you.
Claire: What?
Gloria: Ay, please. Are you going to honestly tell me that I'm your favorite person in this family? I'm not even your favorite Colombian in this family. I would love to get closer to you. You have my number. But call me quickly because I book up.