Cameron: Have you even taken your turn sitting with Gram?
Mitchell: No, she doesn't want me there. She hates me.
Cameron: This again.
Mitchell: Cam, she refers to me as "the sissy."
Cameron: You heard that wrong. She's hard to understand because of the dentures she inherited. You know they were made from the keys of a child's piano.

Manny: This collar itches.
Gloria: Stop it. You all look so handsome.
Jay: We look like The Three Amigos.

Gloria: My seat is cold, and the flowers wilted. I see that my sister has been here.
Jay: Will you get over that? She couldn't have been nicer. We talked about Joe. I told her how well your hot-sauce business was going. By the way, have you tried one of these cookies?
Gloria: Why did you tell her about the sauce? Everybody, get your things. We have to leave Juarez right now!
Jay: What?! It took me 45 minutes to get into this outfit!
Gloria: You know how crazy Sonia can be. She's gonna be so jealous now that she knows that I am a very successful businesswoman.
Jay: Aren't you 400 bucks in the hole on that thing?

Alex: Let's wait for him in the lobby. I need coffee anyway. The people next door kept me up all night with their sex noises.
Haley: I caught the end of that. He sounded like a scared ghost. "Ohh! Ohh!"
Alex: Ugh.

Cameron & Pameron: [singing] Sweet home Ala-gramma Eyes and hair of gorgeous blue [imitates guitar riff.]

Pam: She likes it when you stroke her hair and rub her feet.
Cameron: And, Mitchell, make sure her tongue stays moist.
Mitchell: How would I- Ugh.

Phil: Claire, the sign says "No loud noises." You'll scare David Blaine.
Claire: So, he just sits in jello for four days? I don't get how that's magic.
Phil: You wouldn't.
[meanwhile:]
Luke: I wish Dad was here. He'd love this.
Alex: Well, he isn't, and neither are we.
[back:]
Phil: Remember how Luke used to call it "jeh-woh"? I hate that I can't share this with him. Magic isn't about secrets and tricking people.
Claire: Phil! Get it together. Like your boyfriend, David Blaine, we're taking how we did this to the grave.
[back:]
Luke: I just feel bad that he's missing out. This is our thing.
Haley: Hey! You will never tell him about this, or we will finish what that unlicensed carnival started, okay?

Jay: Sonia. I'm sorry. Come in.
Sonia: No, I couldn't.
Jay: No, you came from so far away. Come on in. Stay awhile.
Sonia: Thank you, Jay.
Jay: The Mexican cookies. I never thought I'd see those again. Let me help you with those.

Gloria: Why did you let her in?
Jay: You have to talk to her. I really think she's here to apologize.
Gloria: You don't know her like I do.
[outside, Sonia kicks Manny into the back of a van:]
Manny: Ohh! Wait! What are you doing?!
Gloria: Great, Jay. Now she kidnapped Manny.

Jay: Why are you so calm? Shouldn't we follow them or call the police?
Gloria: No, it's just a kidnapping. It's normal in my family. [telephone rings] Ransom call. Beep.