Jay: Gloria, we can't sit around doing nothing. Call Sonia. Tell her to bring Manny and the cookies to a neutral place, and we'll make the exchange.

Jay: Why does she want your sauce business, anyway?
Gloria: Well, maybe she has a reason to think that it should be partly hers.
[meanwhile:]
Sonia: My late aunt gave that hot-sauce recipe to both of us. Not just Gloria.
[cutting back and forth:]
Gloria: Sonia didn't care about the recipe. She was very lazy.
Sonia: I said, "Maybe I'll go to America and sell the sauce. Try to make something of myself."
Gloria: So I gently talked her out of it.
Sonia: She told me my idea was stupid. Just like all my ideas.
Gloria: And then I changed my mind, and I did her dream. What is she so mad about?

Sonia: I'm sorry to involve you in this feud.
Manny: It's okay. I'm actually starting to see your side of this.
Sonia: Thank you. As long as this isn't that thing where the person gets kidnapped and then-
Manny: Why am only now noticing how beautiful you are?
Sonia: Ay, dios mio.

Jay: You each have a sausage on your plate I selected based on your individual personality and temperament.
Cameron: Is this blood sausage? Because mine's pink.
Mitchell: Oh, my mine's pink, t-- Oh. Very funny, Dad.
Jay: Now take a bite of bread, a sip of water to cleanse the palate.
Gloria: Mine smells spicy.
Jay: Show of hands. Who heard me say "Smell your sausage"?
Phil: The box said these pigs were massaged daily, then killed from behind to keep the panic hormone from tainting the meat.
Claire: [smiling] They were murdered from behind?
Jay: The three things I want you to pay attention to are bouquet, texture, and finish. You may begin.
Luke: Can I have some ketchup?
Jay: We're done here.

Claire: Where are Cam and Lily?
Mitchell: Uh, they're still at the farm. I got banished.
Claire: Sounds like you're ramping up to a story, but I got some stuff going on, so...
Mitchell: Okay. Good to be home. Okay, so Cam's grandmother, the one who called me a sissy, she died.
And I- I was alone with her when it happened, and the family thinks that I nudged it along.
Claire: [smiling] Cam's grandma died?
Mitchell: Oh, my God. You still do that thing where you smile whenever you talk about death.
Claire: It's just a coping mechanism. It's gonna pass.
Mitchell: You've been doing it since I was 10 years old and we buried my hamster in the backyard.
Claire: His name was Whiskers.

Jay: I'll tell you what else we're glossing over -- how bad you all are at Father's Day. I've got one son who's a kleptomaniac, the other who's in love with his own aunt - creepy even by your standards - and a daughter who I was forced to see naked as the day she was born.
Mitchell: Come on, Cam. Kiss me like the sissy I am!
Jay: Right on cue!
Claire: Oh, God.
Jay: Happy Father's Day to me. Icing on the cake, I just found out my own wife has major daddy issues. Makes me wonder if that's the whole reason she's with me.
Claire: Dad, come on. We may have ruined your day, yes, but now you're just spiraling. I mean, every relationship has its issues, and Gloria adores you! Take the win.
Jay: You think?
Sonia: [holding a painting of what can only be described as Colombian Jay] Papa was so handsome.
All: Yeah!

Claire: [aside to camera] After a great week in New York, I had to get to Raleigh for the Carolina Closet Caucus. Phil and I have always wanted to drive across the country together, so we thought we'd make a road trip of it.

Alex: Come on, how would we even pay for the hotel?
Haley: We can use Luke's carnival settlement money.
Luke: No way! I earned that. I'm the one who fell off that ride.
Haley: We were the ones who really suffered. We couldn't turn on lights or make loud noises until your head got small again.
Luke: We can't use that money. It's for college. [all laugh] Okay, okay, let's spend it.

Claire: We had a lot of fun, though, didn't we?
Phil: Yes, we did.
Claire: Yeah. Never got to get on one of those horse-drawn carriages through the park. Alex's allergies.
Phil: Didn't know you could be allergic to carriage leather.

Phil: Still, just so much good family time.
Claire: Family time. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Phil: You could blow off the convention. We could stay here for a romantic few days but never tell the kids because we just made them go home?
Claire: Yes! That is the first time you've ever answered that question right.