Mitchell: Ah. Because evidence would clearly suggest that, um... Oh... that while James Kane does have an office on his company's executive floor, he was nowhere near it that night. Nice try, executive-level Jim... Kane... but we're onto you. Ladies and gentlemen, before you've retired, judge... For yourself and draw a more accurate conclusion than the one Mr. Kane would have you believe...
Judge: Counselor, you're speaking weirdly.
Mitchell: I'm sure you will find the defendant's alibi to be thin. [sketch artist scribbles] Even thinner.

Luke: Hey, Dad?
Phil: Yeah?
Luke: Don't forget your coffee mug.
Phil: I'm sure this all worked out for the best. I'll, uh, probably miss a few spontaneous Frisbee opportunities and apparently, a tumbling exchange program. Oh, well. And an Amateur Inventors Association. How much fun could it be changing the world, anyway? "The Sequoia College Players Present: A Hall and Oates Magic Show."
Luke: Dad, wait.
Phil: Yes, Luke?
Luke: Don't forget your mug again.

Phil: Come on! Can't you see I'm meant to be here?
Luke: I'm sorry, but I've never had a school to myself. I was always Alex's dumb brother or Manny's hot nephew. Now I can finally be my own person.

Luke: [on the phone] So, listen. This is a big campus. Maybe we could both be here if we promise to stay out of each other's way.
Phil: Well, I'd hate to step on your toes.
Luke: No, no, y-you wouldn't. I would hate to stop you from doing something you're so good at.
Phil: I guess I could think about it. I mean, it's not like I'd be there all the time. I, uh, have class and office hours, and I have the 11:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. slot at the campus radio station on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Hey, if you want to be my sidekick... [catches frisbee]
Luke: Dad?
Phil: You're right. It's better if I do all the voices. What's up?!

Alex: What's all this?
Gloria: Well, you got me so nervous about Joe's terrible day that I put all this out to cheer him up. Sundae, video game. I even wrote him a little pep talk.
Alex: We're lucky to live in the golden age of medicines.

Claire: [voice breaking] I plowed over a bunch of people in a giant hamster ball. And then I tried to impress the foodies by ordering Indian for lunch. And then I chewed some gum to get rid of my coriander breath, and I'm pretty sure some's in my hair. And then I... Oh... Tripped and fell and skinned my knee, and everybody saw my underwear.

Joe: Crushed it! First days are easy when you're cool.
Claire: Uh-huh.
Joe: I do feel bad for Conner B. He brought stinky egg salad for lunch. He's gonna have to eat with the nurse.
Claire: Oh, God!

Claire: I just want to go back to my old office, where I had friends.
Gloria: I know. Sometimes... [reading the pep talk she prepared for Joe] you know, we all have bad days. And... And sometimes, we have to... to deal with mean boys.
Claire: Boys are mean. You're right, Gloria.
Gloria: I am right?
Claire: Mm.
Gloria: Oh, you know what I love about this family? We're not quitters, especially you. Remember how hard it was for you to learn how to swim?
Claire: It was hard.
Gloria: But now it's your favorite thing in the world because it reminds you of how strong you are.
Claire: I mean, I like to swim...
Gloria: Tomorrow can only be better.
Claire: Mm.
Gloria: But just in case, I'll come at lunch, and I will kiss you through the fence.
Claire: How about I text you around 11:00 and let you know how I'm doing?

Alex: Hey, what's- What's all this?
Jay: Danger O'Shea memorabilia. I'm a big collector.
Alex: Who's Danger O'Shea?
Jay: Legendary daredevil. Got famous for jumping over a school bus on his motorcycle.

Jay: Get over here! Talk to me. Tell me why you're avoiding your mom.
Alex: Okay. Well, I've been on a science track my whole life, which my parents love. "Alex the scientist." But lately, I've been having second thoughts. I've always loved singing, and... and I've been doing some open-mic nights recently, and it's been going really well.
Jay: I see where this is going. Sing for me.
Alex: What, like right now?
Jay: Just sing.
Alex: ♪ Somewhere over the rainbow ♪ ♪ Skies are blue ♪
Jay: That was great. Stick to science.
Alex: Wow. You really got a knack for pep talks in this house.