Mitchell: Miss Carpenter...
Cameron: Bad side!
Mitchell: Do you recall seeing this man on the night in question?
Miss Carpenter: Yes, sir. And is he, to your knowledge, the C.E.O... of the Orange County Oceanic and Ornithological Organization?
Judge: Counselor, you're mumbling. Can you repeat that, please?
Mitchell: Does he run the bird and water place?

Mitchell: And is he here today in this, uh... As I was saying...
Cameron: Little further.
Mitchell: Is he here today in this, uh... in this courtroom?
Miss Carpenter: That's him.
Mitchell: Let the court note that I am pretty sure that the witness has identified the defendant.

Phil: Those poor kids, though, huh? I have so much to offer. For example, which house styles are sold by which cookie type? French Revival... [French accent] macaroons. [normal voice] English Tudor... [British accent] shortbread.

Joe: Aren't you gonna walk me in?
Gloria: No. In first grade, you have drop-off.
Joe: No one said anything about drop-off. What if I can't find my cubby?
Gloria: They don't have cubbies. They have lockers here.
Joe: Wait. Wait a second. Where's my lunchbox?
Gloria: Oh, I signed you up for the hot-lunch program.
Joe: [inhales sharply] What is this place?

Mitchell: Uh, e-excuse me, sketch man. We'd like a word with you about your little drawings.
Cameron: Yes.
Jonah: You don't remember me, do you?
Mitchell: Uh...
Cameron: It's... Um...
Mitchell: Well, obviously, we have offended you somehow.
Cameron: Oh, were you the barista we had fired?
Jonah: Here's a hint... I once stayed in your upstairs rental.
Mitchell: Oh.

[flashback:]
Mitchell: Who consumes an entire welcome basket? We usually reuse half this stuff. All the Altoids. He was here one night.
Cameron: He... He even ate the horseradish mustard. What did he put it on? We purposely don't give crackers.
Jonah: Ugh!
Mitchell: Hey.
Cameron: Hey.

Mitchell: We are so sorry we offended you, but...
Jonah: Ooh, too late. I own you two. And I haven't even gotten to my best stuff yet. I can go redder.
Mitchell: You wouldn't.
Jonah: Just wait till I connect the brows.
Cameron: Please. We have a child.
Jonah: Oh, fun. A reporter from CNN. Looks like this pretty little portrait's about to go national.

Mitchell: What... What are we gonna do?
Cameron: Okay, is it just me, or does this sound like a job for Thesaurus Jones?
Mitchell: It's just you.
Cameron: No. Blackmail, Mitchell! We just have to dig something up on this guy. Shouldn't be a problem, because everyone's hiding something. Everyone.
Mitchell: I feel like you're sitting on one more...
Cameron: Everyone.
Mitchell: Yep.

Nick: Hey, do you have a second?
Jay: If this is about my respecting your process...
Nick: Actually, we want to thank you for laying down the law before. Because we have gone soft as a company, we needed a couple grown-ups to come in and put us back on track. You know, thanks to you, we've gotten rid of all the distractions. No more ping-pong tables, squirt guns. The only thing we couldn't find was that giant...
Claire: Break time, bitches! Uh, it turns out this is a little... Oh, my God! The Thinfinity! I'm so sorry! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I... Oh! [clatter] Sorry.

Mitchell: Members of the jury, the defendant, Mr. Kane, would have you believe that he was working at the time of the crime. [seeing the sketch] Bald?! ...faced lies!