Alex: Uh, this is my little brother, Luke. He wants advice on some lame crush he has.
Sienna: That's huge.
Alex: So huge.
Sienna: So, Luke, who is this mystery woman?
Luke: Um... just some girl.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: And her name is Sienna.

Jay: You know, Manny, I'm just gonna say this one last time.
Gloria: I doubt that.
Jay: Give me that. You want to fit in? You're not doing yourself any favors with this cake contest.
Manny: I don't know. Chefs get all the girls.
Jay: You're a baker. Bakers are girls Betty Crocker, Mrs. Fields, Little Debbie.
Manny: What about the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Gloria: That's a good one, Manny! [tickles Manny's stomach]

Claire: [aside to camera] I have a long history of giving Phil bad anniversary gifts, but this year, I have planned something amazing. The traditional 20th gift is china, but what am I gonna do, give him a plate? I already did that.

Claire: Dad, tell him I can't do this right now.
Phil: Come on. Please. Go ahead. Read her the charges.
Jay: Can't do this.
Derrick: All right. Let's see. You have been charged with unlawful sexiness and possession of a hot booty.
Jay: That is wrong.
Phil: Guilty as charged.
Jay: Stop it!

Cameron: It all comes down to one thing, gentlemen focus and teamwork and heart! You see this mallet? Think I can swing this here mallet with one finger? No! I need my whole team! Because when you're functioning and working as a team, gentlemen, look out! [hits game with mallet]
Boy: Sassy granny?
Cameron: Yeah, sassy granny. Yes, exactly. Because that is what you all played like last night is a bunch of sassy grannies. But we're gonna bust our humps this week, and we're gonna get out there, and we're gonna play like a bunch of... [again]
Boy: Girly men. Got it.
Cameron: Okay, you know what? Is this thing plugged in?
Man: It's not electric. I think it was made in the 1800s.
Cameron: Okay, well, that's my point. This is outdated. This is offensive, because girls are athletes, too. So, in conclusion if you want to win football games, we got to go out there and play like a... [again, repeatedly]

Lily: What is daddy doing?
Mitchell: Daddy's smashing his demons.
Lily: Oh, like the ones you vacuum up at home?
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah. Like that.

Jay: Why the hell are you so dressed up for a school fair, anyway?
Derrick: How is this dressed up?! Why? Because my shirt has buttons?
Jay: What's that fabric? Is that silk?
Derrick: Get your vanilla fingers away from my shirt!
Jay: Blouse.
Derrick: Okay. You want to talk about clothes? Let's talk about clothes. Let's go. Let's see. You look like some kind of old, washed-up golf pro who drank his way off the tour and is one step away from writing a suicide note with one of them little pencils.

Derrick: Sorry. I didn't mean that.
Jay: You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it. I don't have the body to wear the clothes they make today, so I dress comfortable.
Derrick: You're in shape, man. What are you? Late 50s?
Jay: Come on. You know I'm not.
Derrick: I'm serious, man. Y- You look like you live at the gym.
Jay: I do some walking.

Manny: My cake! Somebody ruined it! Who would do that?!
Gloria: Ay! Manny, how terrible. All your hard work. Oh, well. Let's go ride the rides.
Manny: No, no, no. Mom, I know who did it.
Gloria: Oh, you do?
Manny: It was Enid. Look at her. You can see the hate in her eyes. The minute she saw this, she felt threatened. She's cold as ice.
Gloria: How about you just let it go and go play with the other boys?
Manny: Oh, she'd love that. Okay, Enid. You want to dance? Let's dance.

Alex: Luke did this?! I was just trying to help him.
Claire: Help him do what?
Alex: My friend Sienna and I were trying to help him find this girl he has a crush on.
Claire: Honey, Sienna is the girl he has a crush on. Come on, haven't you ever seen the way he looks at her? It's same way he used to look at Halloween candy.