‘A Fair to Remember’
Season 5, Episode 7 - Aired November 13, 2013
When the family attends the annual school fair, Phil wants Claire to stick around for a big 20th wedding anniversary surprise, unaware she has planned something for him at home. Luke tries to get rid of Alex so he can spend time with her friend, Sienna. Meanwhile, Cameron is down about his football team's losing streak, and Gloria questions whether Manny's participation in the bake off is the best thing for his reputation. Elsewhere, Haley meets Andy when she sneaks in to Jay's house for a pool day.
Quote from Haley
Haley: Here. Hold still. Let me put some pressure on it. So, why are you a manny, anyway?
Andy: Saving up for college. Plus, I like kids.
Haley: 'Cause they make your hands seem normal?
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] Turns out Harold Grossman, our pharmacist, is a rock star. His voice is the drug he should be dispensing, because apparently, it's the cure for everything.
Quote from Manny
Jay: [aside to camera] Tell them the good news.
Manny: I won the cake contest!
Jay: The other good news.
Gloria: He made the football team.
Jay: They won their first game.
Manny: And the guys love my banana bread.
Quote from Jay
Jay: What are you gonna do, pal?!
Derrick: About to ask you the same thing.
Jay: Did you not see my blinker?
Derrick: Nope.
Jay: Then you're blind, 'cause it's on.
Derrick: Looking at you, I'm guessing it was on the whole way here.
Jay: I got all day and satellite radio.
Derrick: I don't care if parking here is on your bucket list. I've got two books on tape, a space blanket, and a protein bar in the glove box. I will sleep here if I have to.
Jay: We're not moving.
Gloria: Ay, but we are. Let's go, Manny. [horns honk]
Quote from Phil
Phil: [aside to camera] So today at the school fair, a band called the Dad Beats is gonna surprise Claire with a power love ballad. And the lead singer you might want to sit down is the one and only, get up on your feet, this guy!
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: Do you want to get your face painted like a pretty butterfly?
Cameron: No. I'm just not in the mood.
Mitchell: Lily, what about you?
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: You see the way everyone's glaring at me?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: Like a big loser coach.
Mitchell: All in your head.
Cameron: I'm the Hester Prynne of freshman football. I may as well have a scarlet "L" sewn on my shirt.
Mitchell: Well, then, everyone would think you're Laverne.
Quote from Lily
Mitchell: You know what might make you feel better?
Cameron: Gathering my team and putting the fear of God in them.
Mitchell: I was gonna say a churro.
Cameron: I can do both! [runs off]
Lily: She's a mess.
Quote from Jay
Manny: Hey, hey, lead foot, easy on the turns! I worked hours on this cake.
Jay: You're sure you want to do this?
Manny: I'm going to win the cake contest, and then there'll be no stopping me.
Jay: From what? A beating?
Manny: First-place ribbons earn respect, Jay.
Jay: Not if your competition's a bunch of old ladies and weirdos.
Gloria: Could you just be nice? You didn't seem to care when you were eating all his practice cake.
Quote from Alex
Alex: [aside to class] Sienna is amazing stylish, worldly and she's so new to our school, she doesn't even realize that I'm a full social class below her. I need to cement the friendship before she finds out we have a cafeteria.