Hal: Remember, honey, how I promised you that exotic island vacation but we had to go have children instead?
Lois: Mm-hmm.
Hal: Well, I was thinking maybe today could be our little island getaway. We've got the sun, the sand, the palm trees. And I brought the cocktails. It's Malibu Rum in a lotion bottle so no one will know the difference.
Lois: [chuckles] You are so cute when you sneak in alcohol.

Malcolm: [to camera] Dad got us free tickets at the water slide park from work. It takes two days to prep him, but it's worth it.
Hal: Ooh, smooth as a seal. Ready for that water slide.

Lois: Thank you for coming on such short notice. It was so nice of your agency to give us a second chance. You two are going to have so much fun together. [quietly to Dewey] Don't you dare hurt her.
Reese: Hurry, the sun's coming up! [Lois, Reese and Malcolm exit]
Dewey: Do you want to play something?
Mrs. White: No.

Hal: Hey, hey, look, kids. Only 12 more miles to Wavetown, USA.
Lois: Yay.
Hal: So, Malcolm, you going to go down the Liquidator this time?
Lois: Don't pressure the boy, Hal.
Hal: I'm not pressuring him. I'm just asking.
Lois: He's scared enough as it is without you making a big deal out of it.

Reese: Hey, Mom, doesn't Malcolm have to wear his nose plug for his sinuses?
Malcolm: Shut up.
Lois: Oh, that's right.
Malcolm: I forgot it.
Lois: Listen, honey, you just be very careful then, okay?
Reese: Don't worry, here it is.
Lois: Oh. Thank you, Reese.
Malcolm: [whispers] Jerk.

Lois: Malcolm, don't think you can take off that nose plug just because I'm not looking. You're going to wear it all day.
Malcolm: But I'm not even in the water.
Lois: Hey, if I catch you not wearing that nose plug, you're going to spend the day in the kiddie sprinkler.

Malcolm: Hey, Reese, I think I just saw that girl you liked. You know, the one with the really long blonde hair.
Reese: April?
Malcolm: April, that's her. Why'd you say you liked her again?
Reese: She's real trampy. I hear she kisses with tongue.
Malcolm: Is that true, April?
[April is standing behind Reese]
April: Jerk!
Malcolm: Now we're even.
Reese: You geek!
Malcolm: You deserved it!

Malcolm: Mom! You have to stop Reese! He's being a total jerk!
Lois: Malcolm, does it look like I'm open for business? You have done nothing but pester us. Is it too much to ask that your father and I enjoy one day?
Malcolm: But Reese is the one-
Lois: I don't want to hear it. You either take care of this yourself or I'm going to lock the two of you in the car for the rest of the day. I mean it.

Hal: Before you say anything, Malcolm... I just want to tell you, I don't want to hear it. Can't you give your mother and me five minutes of peace?
Malcolm: You know what? You can have the rest of the day because I've given up. I'm not going to have any fun anyway, so why try?
Hal: As long as we're on the same page.
Malcolm: [to camera] Today sucked. I've done nothing except chicken out, get laughed at and fight with Reese. So now, I'm just going to lie down enjoy the sun and wait for them to take me home.
[Reese drops a wet jock-strap on Malcolm's face]
Malcolm: Eugh.
Reese: Now we're even.

Joe: You seem to be practicing pretty hard. I hope you're not planning on doing something stupid, like winning.
Francis: Look, guys, I know you want me to lose but Spangler insisted I play a real game.
Joe: Francis, you can't win. If you do, Spangler's going to take it out on us.
Eric: Remember when Hendrix beat him playing horse on a lucky shot? We couldn't watch anything but PBS for a week.
Joe: And that was during pledge drive, man.
Francis: Guys, come on. Do you have any idea what Spangler's going to do to me if I lose?
Joe: [chuckles] Do you know what we're going to do to you if you win?
[Eric drinks from a PBS coffee mug]