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‘Traffic Jam’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Malcolm in the Middle: Traffic Jam

201. Traffic Jam

Aired November 5, 2000

The family get stuck in a traffic jam on their way back from the water park. Meanwhile, Dewey's journey continues after he followed a red balloon into town.

Quote from Dewey

Dewey: And then the ambulance came, but there was this balloon. And then I was chasing it. And then I didn't know where I was. And then I chased a bag. And then I really didn't know where I was. Then I saw you, and I thought maybe you could help me. [Dewey is talking to a scarecrow] Because you've helped that other girl, the one in the movie. So if you could just come to life and help me, I'd really appreciate it. [silence] Thanks anyway.

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Quote from Dewey

Dewey: A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D...
Farmer Woman: It's a good thing I found you. It's not very safe for little boy like you to be all by yourself.
Dewey: A...B...C...D...
Farmer Woman: Oh, don't you worry I'm gonna get you back home to your parents. They must be worried sick.
Dewey: A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D...
Farmer Woman: It's "E", dear. A...B...C...D...E... E.
Dewey: I know. A...B...C...D... A...B...C...D...

Quote from Hal

Hal: Think about it, Lois. I stopped to tie my shoe in the parking lot. If I hadn't done that, we would've been on the road 20 seconds sooner. I would've been 200 yards ahead of where I was. And then I would've been the silver Toyota.
Lois: And if you hadn't rented Body Heat we never would have had Dewey. It's all an intricate tapestry, Hal.

Quote from Francis

Francis: Sugar, corn syrup and gelatine. How can something so simple be so delicious?
Joe: That stuff's nasty, Francis.
Francis: To the unsophisticated palate, yes. But to me, the candy quack is nature's perfect food. I think I can eat a hundred of them.
Joe: No way. All that marshmallow would expand in your stomach. You wouldn't even get past 50.
Francis: OK, that's where you're wrong, Joe. See the marshmallow wouldn't expand. It would dissolve. I'd never get full. In fact, I don't think-
Eric: Will you just shut up! I have sat back and said nothing while you've gone on and on about how you can eat a hundred of this and lift a hundred of that. The quacks would expand. You're an idiot if you think different.
Francis: OK, let me tell you something. If I say I can eat a hundred quacks, you can take that as a bona fide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks. Because I'd hate to raise the whole issue of you wearing boxers in the shower.

Quote from Lois

Lois: Why can't you just open one lane?
Sheriff: Lady, we have to wait for the crane to get here before we can even think of opening this road to traffic.
Lois: Yeah, but if you just moved a couple of those police cars there'd be enough room to just pass on the shoulder. I mean this is just plain stupid.
Sheriff: Ma'am, don't call a police officer stupid.
Lois: What, that's a law now?

Quote from Hal

Lois: Look at them. They're just standing around. You have 500 cars full of people who actually have someplace to go and they're just standing there talking. What is there to discuss?! Hey, let me clear something up for you! This is a car wreck! You're a road crew. Do your job! [to Hal] Are you even listening to me?
Hal: That could have been me back there.
Lois: Yeah, well, Hal, it could've been all of us.
Hal: Nope. No, that car was sliced right through the driver's seat. You and the boys would've walked away without a scratch.

Quote from Reese

Man: The ice cream in the truck is not for sale. It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic.
Reese: This is just wrong! You could make money and please children. This is a senseless act! You are evil. Pure evil!
Man: If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly... [gets in van and closes door]
Reese: You son of a...
Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do.
Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can... [charges at the van and headbutts the door]
Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother. Good one.

Quote from Dewey

Dewey: What time is it now?
Farmer Woman: It's still 4:00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.
Dewey: What time is it in China?
Farmer Woman: Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20...
Dewey: Do you speak Chinese?
Farmer Woman: Well, no...
Dewey: Is Chinatown in China?
Farmer Woman: Honey, if you want an answer to a question you have to first wait...
Dewey: What does this toe do?
Farmer Woman: You know what? I need to buy a pack of cigarettes for the first time in 20 years.
Dewey: Grape juice, please.

Quote from Malcolm

Sheriff #2: Hey, where do you think you're going, young lady?
Jessica: It's OK, my dad's an investigator for the D.I.T. Oh, there he is. [waves] Hi, daddy!
[A man in a high-vis jacket waves back]
Sheriff #2: OK.
Malcolm: Whoa. Your dad's a crash investigator?
Jessica: Here's a little secret, Malcolm. Whenever you want something, everybody's your dad. [waves to a Black man] Hi, daddy! [he waves back]
Malcolm: [to camera] OK, she's cute, she's smart, and she even lies to cops. I may be in over my head here.

Quote from Hal

Hal: And I keep rolling it around in my head how much time do I have left? What have I done with my life? I mean, what is my contribution? You go home at night knowing that you have helped to make the world a better place by forging that thin blue line, and that is real, man. If I could just once feel that sense of accomplishment... Do you know how special you are? Do you? [places hand on sheriff's arm]
[cut to Hal standing in front of the sheriff reciting the alphabet backwards while touching his nose with alternating hands:]
Hal: Z... Y... X... W...

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