Dewey: Once again, we're very sorry about all the trouble we caused. I know there's no way we can make up for the broken tables, or the paramedics, or the fire, or the guy that was really choking that nobody noticed.

Lois: I can't believe this is actually happening! I can smell his cologne out here! Oh, my God, I'm next. Does my hair look okay?
Malcolm: Compared to his?
Boone Vincent: Hello, sweetheart. Thank you for your support. It means so much to me.
Lois: No, thank you for your music. Especially, um, "Cinnamon Rainbow." That is my all-time favorite.
Boone Vincent: Really? Mine, too, but no one's ever told me that before. [Lois squeals] Come in.

Boone Vincent: You mean he actually said he didn't want you at his awards ceremony?
Lois: I can handle his being mad at me, but this was...
Boone Vincent: Oh, right to the old love pump.
Lois: That's how I got to see your show. My son bought tickets to try to make it up to me.
Boone Vincent: [chuckles] That's not an olive branch. That's the whole damn tree. Ah, it's like I say when I'm in the astronaut suit... "I believe the children are our future."
Lois: I do, too.
Boone Vincent: You can't really take what they say too seriously. They're teenagers. [touches up make-up] I'll let you in on a little secret, Lois... [sprays hair] Even my 14-year-old is embarrassed by me.
Lois: No.
Boone Vincent: I know. Hard to believe, isn't it? But you can't hold onto the past, Lois. You've got to live in the here and now. Because the here and now is a special, special gift. That's why I call it... the present.

Gretchen: There you are!
Otto: Thank God!
Francis: How did you find us?
Piama: We just followed the fire.
Francis: What fire?
Gretchen: One of the cows got through the gate you didn't fix.
Piama: And it knocked over one of the heat lamps you never took in.
Gretchen: Which set fire to the trail of gasoline from the open can in the back of your truck. Which, by the way, also is on fire.
Otto: Ah, you see, Francis? You thought you were a screwup.

Piama: What happened to you?
Francis: Some idiot forgot to top off the oil in the tractor, and the whole damn engine blew.
Piama: Well, whose job is that?
Francis: Mine. I'm telling you, this whole ranch is a disaster. The furnace is clogged. The generator's out of diesel. Even the gate to the cow pen is falling apart.
Piama: All those things are your responsibility. I don't know what's going on with you lately, but you'd better get it together. Otto's a pretty easygoing boss, but even he has limits.

Lois: Oh, my God, would you look at this? What does Reese do to his underpants?
Malcolm: There's not enough money in the world to make me look up.

Lois: What's this? "Certificate of Achievement for Excellence in Science"? From the state?
Malcolm: It's nothing. They hand these out like candy.
Lois: Don't be so modest. It's wonderful, and I think it proves my point about you not getting that earring.
Malcolm: How does that...?

Hal: Las Vegas?! What's in Las Vegas?
Dewey: A chance for Reese to make me look like a jerk in front of the entire country.
Hal: Well, don't you worry, son. We won't miss that. Of course we'll go to Vegas! Did you hear that, Malcolm? This is another sign! All I have to do is cash in our life insurance policy to pay for the trip...
Malcolm: Dad, are you sure you want to...?
Hal: Son, you don't need life insurance when you're a kajillionaire. It doesn't make fiscal sense.
Malcolm: Maybe you want to run your plan by Mom first.
Hal: I will. I will. I just want to be careful about it. But if I explain it in just the right way...
[cut to:]
Lois: A $1,000 bonus from work. Hal, I am so proud of you.
Hal: Hey, considering the $12 million I saved them with my idea for outsourcing... flux capacitors, it was the least they can do.

Lois: And part of that roast is for you, Malcolm... Mr. State Science Achievement.
Malcolm: Yeah, it, it was nothing.
Reese: Is that what that big ceremony at school was for?
Lois: Reese, what ceremony? There was a ceremony?
Reese: Yeah, the mayor was there, and we all got out of school. [to Malcolm] Stop kicking me! I'll get to the news crew in a second.
Lois: Malcolm, how could you not tell us about something so important? We're your parents.
Malcolm: You're overreacting. It wasn't a big deal.
Lois: That's not for you to decide! How can you be so selfish?
Malcolm: I wasn't being selfish. I just didn't want you there because you em...[slow-motion]..barrass... [to camera] Abort! Abort! [slow-motion] ...me.
Lois: Oh. Okay. At least I know.

Lois: Hal, look! Boone Vincent is playing in Las Vegas.
Dewey: Who's Boone Vincent?
Hal: Your mom's boyfriend.
Lois: Stop it.
Hal: You would not believe this jackass, boys. Women go crazy for him.
Lois: He plays every instrument in the orchestra. He sings in four languages. And you like him just as much as I do!
Hal: Oh, please, I just said that to get you into bed. That... when, that time you were so sick and you needed your rest.