Francis: Otto.
Otto: Oh, are you still here? I thought you quit.
Francis: You were right. This is my fault. For some reason, I've been sabotaging everything lately. Knowing that I've been here for a year, it's like people are depending on me now. And I know that at some point, I'm going to let them down.
Otto: Don't be ridiculous. [groans] No one... expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection I would have hired a robot or a Swede, but I hired you, Francis, because you're smart, you're a hard worker, and when you make a mistake, you fix it. If falling down a well every once in a while is the price I must pay to have you, so be it.
Francis: Thanks, Otto.

Lois: Look. Your Aunt Felicia sent us two presents for the baby.
Hal: A ballerina outfit and a football?
Lois: Well, I guess she's hedging her bets. I mean, Jamie could be a name for either sex. Well, I guess I'll just send this one to Goodwill.
Hal: Oh, that's ridiculous. The birth announcement clearly said that Jamie's a... Hey. They changed the little dinosaur.
Lois: That's right. All it takes is one look to see that Jamie is clearly a... [Reese groans] Reese, for crying out loud!
Hal: How can anyone not know what you are? [the baby pees up in the air] Ooh-ooh. Nice try, mister.

Reese: Come on, Gordo. One more bite and it's all gone.
Dewey: What are you doing with my rabbit?
Reese: Just giving him his afternoon bacon.
Dewey: He's too fat. You have to stop feeding him. I'm the one who has to sit through the Junior Farmers' meetings while everyone makes fun of him.
Reese: Those people are small-minded idiots who have no idea what we're trying to do.
Dewey: What are we trying to do?
Reese: I don't know. I kind of had this vision of me riding him through town, knocking over cars, but that's probably not realistic.

Otto: Fire! Fire! Francis, there's a fire!
Francis: What? Where?
Otto: Right here on your cake.
Francis: God, it's been a year already?
Gretchen: As of 9:31.
Otto: So far, your first three hours of year two are going much better than I ever could have hoped.

Hal: Malcolm. Malcolm, I need to talk to you. You read all those science magazines. What can you tell me about the meaning of dreams?
Malcolm: Dreams? Well, some people think they express your subconscious wishes...
Hal: No, no, no, no, no. The other kind of dreams, prophetic ones that predict the future. I had one. About a giant slot machine.
Malcolm: That's insane, Dad.
Hal: Oh, it was so vivid. There, there was this mysterious stain on my shirt and- and a balloon, and then this music and then I hit this gigantic jackpot. It was a sign, son. I know it. It's my destiny.
Malcolm: Dad. You have weird dreams all the time. Like the singing trash cans.
Hal: I never said that was prophetic. I said it was cool.

Reese: Well? What did they think of Gordo?
Dewey: They called him a monster. Then they called me a crime against nature. Maybe it was the other way around. All I remember is, I was crying.

Reese: What's the matter? Never seen an 80-pound rabbit before?

Reese: My God, look at these puny rabbits. What do people do with them?
Dewey: I don't know. Maybe love them and hug them and watch them hop around the backyard, which they can do because their feet can touch the ground.
Reese: I bet Gordo could fit that one in his mouth.

Malcolm: [to camera] The worst part is, this is my first concert. [panties land on Malcolm's head]
Woman: Those aren't for you! Pass 'em up!

Malcolm: [to Jamie] Cry, scream, projectile vomit! Do something to get us out of here!