Reese: Just remember, Mom, in a world of lies, truth is your only weapon. [off everyone's looks] What? It's not?

Malcolm: [on the phone] Hey, Francis. You know Mom's traffic ticket? Well, I have a videotape, and it shows that Mom really was at fault, and...
Francis: She was wrong?
Malcolm: Yeah, and now I'm trying to figure...
Francis: What are you talking to me for? You have incontrovertible proof that Mom was wrong. Shove it in her face.
Malcolm: Francis, I don't think that's a good idea.
Francis: Are you kidding? It's brilliant. From now on, whenever she gets all high-and-mighty with us, we can just throw this back at her.
Malcolm: Francis, I can't. If I show Mom this tape, she'll go crazy and then she'll kill the messenger, which is me. You're asking me to commit suicide.
Francis: And think of the look on her face!

Craig: Lois, Lois... I give Officer Stockton a discount. You know, policeman's discount? [whispers] 100% off?
Lois: Craig, I can't do that.
Craig: But, Lois...
Officer Stockton: Don't worry about it. It's okay, Greg. [walks away]
Craig: It's "Craig." [to Lois] What are you, crazy? Don't you know how this works? We scratch his back, he scratches ours? We give him a few candy bars, he looks out for us. It's called protection.
Lois: Craig, we have been robbed five times in the last six months.
Craig: Lois, think of all the places he gets free stuff from. He can't be everywhere at once.

Hal: Honey, don't worry about a thing. Everything's going to be fine. Francis will think of something. I hear they've made traffic school really fun. They have cooking traffic school, bowling traffic school. Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? I mean, God, that was hilarious. Okay. A rabbi, a priest and a minister come to a four-way stop...

Craig: You guys are not going to believe what I have. I have a surveillance arrangement with the manager of the mini-mart across the street. We exchange tapes in order to better understand the security needs of our customers.
Hal: "Short skirt, windy day"?
Craig: That's code. Anyhoo, one of their cameras caught Lois from a different angle right before she got her ticket. See? Lois was right all along! This completely exonerates her. Isn't this great? [Hal takes the tape out and stomps on it] What are you doing?
Hal: You will never, ever tell her of this.
Craig: But...
Hal: Ah! Ever.
Dewey: Got it? [Craig nods]

Malcolm: Mom, seriously, I'm not letting that kid with two fingers cut my hair again.
Lois: That's all you need to use scissors. And you be polite. Those people are nervous enough as it is. [police siren wails] Oh, what? I didn't do anything!
Reese: Make a run for it, Mom. We can be on the news.
Lois: All right, you boys, not a word out of any of you. No one makes piggy sounds, no one says they smell bacon, and no one claims to be kidnapped.

Lois: Hey, guys. My shift is over in five minutes. Then we head over to the barber college.
Malcolm: Why can't we go to a real barber?
Lois: Because I like to support education. Besides, it's free.
Dewey: Are they going to take my hair and plant an evil Dewey?
Lois: Honey, we've already had this talk. Every word that comes out of Reese's mouth is a lie, remember?

Lois: Okay, go look at some magazines. And anything you break comes out of your allowance.
Reese: [o.s.] We don't get an allowance.
Lois: Yeah, now you know why.

Reese: I'm going to ask the barber to shave this side totally off and leave the other side long. You know, a style for each profile. A different look for both my moods.

Lois: There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets. The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!
Reese: Hey, Mom, is this a bad time to tell you I got kicked out out of shop class? I mean, it seems to pale in comparison.