Craig: Chin up, Lois. I'll make sure the boys get home. I'll wait for you.

Lois: I want you boys to behave for Craig. And, Dewey, don't be frightened. Mama's going to be okay.
Dewey: Can you turn on your siren?
Officer Stockton: Sure. [siren wails]
Dewey: Yay! [imitates siren]

Hal: Come on, honey. You got to admit it was kind of sexy me having to bail you out of jail. [off Lois's look] Well, it was sexy for me.
Lois: Oh, yeah, Hal, it was a real turn-on sitting there wondering how my children were doing, what horrible things are going through their heads, knowing that their mother is sitting in jail.
Reese: Hey, Mom, did you get tattooed?

Francis: [on the phone] Mom, just calm down!
Lois: I was in jail, Francis! Jail! All because you didn't pay your parking tickets! How could you have gotten 16 parking tickets?!
Francis: It's not my fault. You keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.
Lois: You listen, mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up with you, and you are going to suffer the consequences! You are paying those parking tickets!
Francis: You know, Mom, jail has really hardened you.
Lois: I'm serious, Francis, you are paying us back that money for those tickets plus $145 to get the car out of impound. That means you owe us $747.13.
Francis: This is totally unfair! None of this would have happened if you weren't such a reckless driver.
Lois: Excuse me?
Francis: When I parked too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anybody's life.
Lois: I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit.
Francis: Oh, but when I tell you I've been framed by the police, you send me to military school. Ironic, isn't it?
Lois: That cop was out to get me.
Francis: Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?
Lois: Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis, but until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.
Francis: Where am I supposed to get $700? You're just using this as an excuse to keep me here.
Lois: Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Francis: [on the phone] Mom, great news.
Lois: Francis, I'm a little busy here.
Francis: Okay, here it is. I just sent you $20 good-faith money...
Lois: Great. Only $727 more before you can come home.
Francis: What?
Lois: Francis, I am not going to let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are down to one car until your father's next paycheck. No, you either come up with the money or you don't come home.
Francis: Mom, it's impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.
Lois: You bring the yams. [hangs up] He'll find the money.

Malcolm: What are you doing?
Craig: I was, uh, uh, reviewing some old security tapes. You know, looking for a pattern. See if anyone was casing the joint. You can't be too careful.
Malcolm: Hey, that girl's stealing something.
Craig: Oh, I, I didn't notice that. I'd better review her other tapes, then.
Malcolm: Wait. Are there cameras all over this place?
Craig: Oh, yeah, they're everywhere: pharmacy, ATM, the bath... Uh, yep, lot of cameras.

Hal: Hey, honey. God, it's been a great day. The fire alarm went off during the morning meeting, and I got the last Snickers out of the vending machine. I did not think it was going to fall, but then I gave it a little hip check-- boom!
Lois: Who is Susan King?
Hal: Hmm? Susan King. Hmm, Susan King. Give me a moment. Susan... All right, before I say anything, do you know already or are you really asking?
Lois: She called today with some insurance quotes in case I get a point on my license. Why would she do that?
Hal: It was nothing. I just gave her a little phone call. Curious about a few things.
Lois: Like what will happen if I lose?
Hal: Well, yes, yes, I just wanted to find out what the worst-case scenario might be. I mean, what if...
Lois: There are no "what ifs," Hal!
Hal: You're right. You are right. Right, okay. So, I mean, even if our insurance does go up and we can't afford two cars, we'll just sell one. I mean, you know, what did they do before cars? They, uh... They walked, so we'll walk.

Lois: You're expecting me to lose. Is this how you support me?
Hal: I do support you. I'm just- I think we need to know what we're getting into here. I mean, I don't know. Is, is it actually worth all the trouble?
Lois: Yes, Hal. I think standing up for myself is worth the trouble! I think refusing to be railroaded is worth the trouble! I know I can win this because I know I'm right! I can't believe you have so little faith in me!
Hal: I have complete faith in you. It's the rest of the world that I don't have faith in. Things could look different to different people. The system can be corrupt. We wouldn't be in this situation if that weren't true. And sometimes, Lois, being right isn't enough.
Lois: Being right is everything. I didn't do anything wrong, Hal, and I'm willing to fight to prove it. I know it's going to be hard. [Malcolm and Reese walk in with the video tape] But that's why the last thing I need is my own family undermining me. How many times do I have to tell you? I'm right, I'm right. I swear on my children's lives, I am right! What do you want?
Malcolm: Nothing.

Reese: I can't believe you chickened out.
Malcolm: Me? You're the one who disappeared.
Reese: Oh, so now we're playing the blame game.
Malcolm: Look, we know Mom is going to freak out on whoever shows her the tape...
Reese: Not it.
Malcolm: Maybe someone could mail it to her anonymously...
Reese: Not it.
Malcolm: Okay, fine, but I'm going to need...
Reese: Not it.
Malcolm: Look... someone has to be the person...
Reese: Not it.
Malcolm: Who doesn't give it to her.
Reese: I'm it.
Malcolm: Ha! Oh.

Eric: Let me get this straight: We each pay you $50 and you're going to jump from the roof of the dorm to the roof of the gym on the school's riding lawnmower.
Francis: Who's in?
Joe: Are we talking with the bagger attachment?
Francis: Are you crazy? You know what kind of drag that would create?
Joe: I don't know. It just sounds too easy.
Francis: Okay, okay, how about this: For five extra dollars, I'll do it blindfolded.