Lois: Hi, honey. How was the seminar?
Hal: Unbe-freaking-lievable. I haven't slept in 48 hours. The Viking guy had to leave suddenly, so I stepped in, and I started talking to people about their lives. And honey, I got to tell you, I have wisdom. Nobody was more surprised than me, but I did so well they have me leading motivational seminars for the next eight weekends.
Lois: Wow.
Hal: This is the beginning of something, Lois. The bosses are seeing me in a whole new light.
Lois: Did they cross you off the probation list?
Hal: In ink.

Lois: I called Mrs. Finnegan.
Dewey: You what?
Lois: She knows I know. You're never seeing her again. I can't believe you told her we had an understanding.

Reese: Morning.
Lois: Reese, I need you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper before you leave this morning.
Reese: I already did it, Mom.
Lois: You did? Why?
Reese: I feel bad I haven't always pulled my weight around here. I mean, you're the leader. It's my place to respect you.
Lois: Well thank you, Reese. [rubs Reese's shoulder]

Hal: You'll have to climb the ladder of achievement one rung at a time. You'll never reach the top if you don't start climbing. And when you reach the top, you realize that the journey... never ends.
George: Excuse me. If you're at the top, how come the journey doesn't end?
Hal: Because at the top of the ladder, there's a car. [crowd gasps] The question is, will you be driving? Or just a passenger? Whenever you let somebody else drive, he might have errands to do. Where do you think he might stop?
Flora: The dry cleaners?
Hal: Very good. [writes down] Where else?
George: Drugstore?
Hal: Yes! Where else? Tim?
Tim: There's a place you can go to have your shoes treated so they won't develop a smell over time.
Hal: Excellent! Okay, now... what does all this mean? It means... [quietly to self] nothing. It means nothing! This is what happens when you let somebody else drive the car. You've all got to be the drivers of your own car. And what do you do if the gas gauge says your tank is empty?
George: Stop at a gas station?
Hal: No! You keep driving! You don't let anything stop you. Let me hear some "Vroom." [all vroom] You know!
Tim: Excuse me, Hal. I need to have bathroom break.
Hal: Need or want?
Tim: I'd say need, Hal. I really have to go to the bathroom. [murmurs of agreement]
Hal: So this is something none of us feel we can overcome? This has us beat. Well, then, we can put our work here aside and all go to the bathroom. Only there's no bathroom in the car! [smashes door handle]

Hal: What are you doing?
Lois: Oh, I keep trying and trying to get Jamie to use the potty, but he keeps refusing. Those stupid parenting books say to put stickers all over it, make it a happy place, so I figured why not? I obviously don't know anything about raising children. Damn it! What's wrong with these boys?
Hal: Honey, let me handle this.
[cut to Hal lecturing Jamie in the bathroom:]
Hal: [to Jamie] You are a superstar! You're not afraid of this potty! This potty is afraid of you! You have to visualize your success! Now, let's look at the five lies you tell yourself that prevent you from being all that you can be!
[cut to Hal taking the potty to Lois in the kitchen:]
Lois: Oh, Hal!

Malcolm: Reese, where have you been? Why weren't you in school today?
Reese: A pack from another neighborhood was sniffing around, trying to move into our territory. Me and the boys had a score to settle.
Malcolm: You were out fighting with dogs? What is wrong with you? Is that a bite mark on your leg?
Reese: This little crazy guy went after Toffee. Oh, man! And then Chewy and Angel went down! So we brought down a couple of theirs! Tit for tat, baby! [dogs wail in the distance] Oh, we're gonna settle this thing no matter what it costs! It's gonna go on and on until the bitter end! [Malcolm sprays Reese with the hose] [Reese shakes it off] They need me.

Dewey: I want to talk.
Lois: I really don't feel up to that right now.
Dewey: I know I hurt you and I'm very sorry.
Lois: Thank you, Dewey.
Dewey: But words are cheap. I wanted to do something that would show you I'm committed to this relationship. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I want you to know that no one can take your place.
[Dewey takes off his shirt to reveal he had "Lois is my mother" tattooed across his chest]
Dewey: I'm going back Tuesday. I passed out before they colored in the drop-shadow.
Lois: It's not that I don't appreciate- We are going down to the hospital and you're gonna have that lasered off right this- Okay, I know you're trying to- But what is wrong with? Oh, I never imagined you'd be willing to- [time lapse] But that is so stupid! Oh, look, they made a heart!

Malcolm: Monkey! [closing a door on Reese's head]
Reese: Squid!
Dewey: Kangaroo! [biting Malcolm's leg]
Malcolm: Monkey!
Reese: Squid!
Dewey: [mouth full] Kangaroo!
Malcolm: [to camera] I have no idea if a monkey could beat a squid or a kangaroo in a knife fight, but if I admitted that, we'd have nothing to do for the rest of the day. Monkey!

Angela: [sobs]
Hal: Angela?
Angela: [wails] What do I do?!
Hal: Hey, come on you know...
Angela: [calmly] Yes. You're right. I do know. Of course I know. Thank you! [hugs Hal] [applause]
Scott: Can you do me?

Hal: Oh, morning, dear. Oh, honey, it feels so good to be helping people take control of their lives. Milton in Accounting called me from the Motel 6 this morning. He had to leave his wife and kids, but as soon as the Ice Capades reads his script, he's moving the whole family to New York.