Spangler: An untucked shirttail, Cadet? Is that what we teach you here? To disgrace your uniform? I think not.
Francis: Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
Hal: Francis...
Francis: No.
Spangler: No, I'm glad you saw this. This is exactly what I was talking about. Always undermining my authority. Day in, day out, it's the same thing. Like when I had Cadet Dooley run 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillowcase violation, Francis organizes a sit-in. Or when I cut off the electricity to the fifth floor for a contraband boom box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
Francis: He was hugging his dad!
Spangler: In front of his own father, he still defies me at every turn.
Hal: And every time something like that happens, he challenges you?
Spangler: Every time.
Hal: Even when he knows he'll get in trouble?
Spangler: That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
Hal: I understand.

Hal: Look, I... I understand that, uh, Francis is never going to be the perfect kid. You see, what I'm asking for here is, is just a little... ray of hope. Anything at all?
Spangler: Francis is... ...not interested in learning. Francis is... interested in causing trouble. I'm sorry to have to say that, but I have seen his type before. All he likes to do is flout authority. He has contempt for rules. He lives to undermine and destroy. He feels no compunction...
Hal: Okay. I get it. Isn't there anything positive you can tell me?
Spangler: Sorry. [Hal gets up to leave] Oh, wait.
Hal: Yes?
Spangler: Do you want chicken or fish tonight?

Lois: What's the matter, Craig?
Craig: What does it say on this jar?
Lois: "Craig."
Craig: Well, I'm glad someone around here can read. These jars come with 14 pickles in them. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today and one-and-a-half for a snack, and now there are six-and-a-half pickles in this jar! Simple math indicates...
Lois: Are you counting the one in your hand?
Craig: Okay, false alarm.
Lois: [quietly to herself] We burned his house down. We burned his house down.

Joe: Oh, this is the guy. This is Francis.
Phil: What I want to know is, how did you get the cow onto the roof of the gymnasium in the first place?
Francis: Ah, that was easy. The parachute was the problem. Did you know those things don't open unless you're thousands of feet in the air? You live, you learn. [to Hal] Did I ever tell you about that?
Hal: No. Look at this: archery, debating, field hockey... Look at all these clubs and teams, and you're not in any of them. There isn't even a picture of you in the yearbook.
Francis: Look under Pete Zahut.
Hal: I don't want to look under Pete Zahut.
Francis: No, no, no, if you say it fast, it sounds like...

Malcolm: Would you guys chill out?
Dewey: Shut up!
Reese: Yeah, Malcolm! You may be able to boss around your loser Krelboynes, but normal people don't have to listen to you.
Dewey: Quit talking and hit him.
Malcolm: [to Reese] You don't have any friends.
Reese: Mom told you you're never allowed to talk about that.

Malcolm: What are you doing?
Dewey: Yeah, that's ours!
Reese: We paid for it with our own money!
Lois: Well, that was pretty stupid of you, wasn't it? There's no way you're having a motorcycle.
Malcolm: But, Mom, it's not a motorcycle. It's just a little minibike.
Lois: It's a motorcycle.
Malcolm: It's not a motorcycle! It's two feet high. It was made specifically for kids.
Lois: Two wheels. Motor. Motorcycle.

Hal: Oh, this is ridiculous. Craig has been in there for 45 minutes.
Craig: [sings in bathroom] God, I hope I get it I hope I get it How many people does he need?
Malcolm: How long is he going to be living with us?
Lois: Look, we have to be patient with him. We burned the man's house down.
Craig: [sings in bathroom] How many boys, how many girls? He doesn't like the way I look He doesn't like the way I dance He doesn't like the way...
Hal: That's it, we're opening the door. Someone go get me a coat hanger.
Reese: I did that yesterday, Dad. Trust me, don't go in there. He's done when he's done.
Craig: [opens door] Hey, everyone. Say good morning, Jellybean.
Hal: [looks at bathroom] Oh... dear Lord.
Lois: We burned his house down.

Craig: This is nice, you know? Sitting around with family, eating together, sharing. What'd you do today, buddy?
Dewey: Nothing. I'm too short.
Craig: I wouldn't worry about that, sport. I bet you probably have the biggest head in your whole class.
Reese: Am I too stupid to have some more peas?
Craig: I don't think there are any rules on that, Chief. Yeah, this is nice. I remember when I was your age, not a care in the world. Me and my imaginary brother outside in the yard building forts all day. [chuckles] Yep, good times.

Malcolm: Look, Mom, I don't think you realize how much we really want this bike. I looked over your tax return, and I think I could save you about $1,200... if you make it worth my while.
Lois: No.

Malcolm: Detailed information on every unsolved breakage or disappearance in this house for the last two years.
Lois: No!