Lois: Look, boys, I was thinking about it, and, uh, you're old enough to deserve an explanation. I was...
Reese: You don't always know what's best for us! You don't know that we would have gotten hurt! There's such a thing as trust! I really think we've earned it!
Lois: Reese, I'm not saying that I...
Reese: I don't have to sit here and listen to this!
Malcolm: Yes, you do.
Reese: Oh, right.

Craig: I don't know why we have to go all the way across town. Seems kind of silly.
Malcolm: Craig, I promise, it's the best ice cream in town.
Craig: Yeah, well, I'll be the judge of that. [clatter] What was that?
[Dewey removes a rock from behind Craig's tire and Reese slides his leg over]
Reese: Ow. Ow, my leg. Ow. Ow. [Dewey hits Reese's swollen leg] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Craig: Oh, my God! What did I do? What did I do?
Malcolm: You ran over his leg!
Lois: What happened? Oh, my God! Reese!
Reese: Ow! Ow!

Lois: Oh, my God. Hal, look at this. We still have a Christmas present for one of the boys. I wonder what it is.
Hal: Reese ever get that football jersey?
Lois: I can't remember.
Hal: Well, you know, honey, the boys got so much for Christmas last year, they don't even appreciate what they have. If we save it for his birthday, it'll be that much more special.
Lois: Hal, this one's for you.
Hal: [gasps] Oh, boy! [starts unwrapping] You did get me that DVD player I've been hoping for. I thought you forgot. To be honest with you, I've been holding a grudge for months. [giggles] Now I get to watch all those DVDs I've got hidden in the garage. Oh. Jumper cables. Thank you, honey.

Hal: You know, I'm really excited about this father-son weekend at Marlin. Spend some time with Francis, do some male bonding, maybe even a survival hike.
Lois: You have your fluffy pillow?
Hal: Right here.

Craig: Uh, Lois, I'm aware this isn't the most comfortable situation here, having me around all the time, the forbidden fruit, as it were. Especially now, with Hal gone.
Lois: Yeah, Craig, it's not...
Craig: But, shh... Whatever feelings we shared... that's in the past. That part of us is dead now.
Lois: Craig, I...
Craig: Shh, shh, shh! Let's not rekindle this.

Reese: You know, if you're not allowed to keep a squirrel in your locker, they should put up a sign. I'm not psychic. I can't read minds.

Craig: Hey, Lois. Just fighting Father Time.
Lois: Craig, I have to work late tonight. Would you mind feeding the boys?
Craig: No problem.
Lois: Thanks.
Craig: So, uh, I'm in charge, then?
Lois: All you have to do is fix them some dinner.
Craig: Right. But I'm completely in charge. They got to listen to me. [to himself] Dance for me. That's right, dance. Why? 'Cause I'm in charge, that's why.
Lois: [to herself] We burned his house down.

Malcolm: Look, I'm the one who put together the engine.
Reese: Well, I'm the one that paid for it.
Dewey: You wouldn't even have it if I didn't see it.
Reese: Shut up, Dewey.
Dewey: You shut up!
Malcolm: Look, it's not even fixed yet. There's no point in fighting...
Dewey: I get it on Sundays!
Malcolm: You do not!
Reese: Dewey, you're too short to even ride it.
Dewey: I'm in the 40th percentile. And you're too stupid to ride it.

[Drew and his father play the Three's Company theme on water glasses]
Spangler: Let's have a hand for Cadet Drew and his father, direct from the showrooms of Atlantic City. That was just riveting.

Reese: You know that dog that keeps you up every night? I could take him for a little... "walk." [holds up baseball bat and bag]
Lois: No!