Malcolm: [to camera] That's the way discussions go down in this family. I tell them my needs and they say no. Then Dad reveals another cartoon character he's afraid of.

Malcolm: You butt-wipe, that's my toothbrush.
Reese: So use mine.
Malcolm: You can't just take someone's toothbrush. Give me that.
Reese: Fine.
[Reese walks over to the toilet and drops the toothbrush in the bowl]
Reese: Oops.
[Malcolm squirts toothpaste over Reese]

Lois: Honestly, every night we go through this!
Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time there was a little boy who made his mother so crazy she decided to sell him to the circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.

Stanley: Hey, Francis, aren't you going to open up your mom's care package?
Francis: Give me a minute. I'm still savoring this. I swiped Commandant Spangler's master key. It opens every door in the academy, Stanley. Every door.
Stanley: You know, I think it's cookies.
Francis: Who cares? I'm about to expose every secret sin this place conceals to the harsh light of day.
Stanley: So, can I open it?
Francis: Yeah. What'd my mom send me? [Stanley opens the box] Bug-infested cookies. As usual, a mixed message.

Lois: Aw, this is cozy!
Malcolm: It's 150 degrees in here!
Reese: My butt is sweating.
Lois: Ah, it just needs to air out a little. [Reese unbuttons his belt] The trailer!

Hal: I only asked out your sister because you said you weren't interested! And I was thinking of you the whole time!
Lois: Aw, don't give me that! I saw the charm bracelet!
Hal: This isn't even mine! What, are you insane? You're throwing out stuff that's not even mine!
[As the neighbors watch Hal and Lois fighting, Mr. Inkster pulls up with Malcolm in the car]
Hal: What are you looking at? Hey, this is a private conversation, buster! Huh? Oh, yeah, like you've never seen this before!
Malcolm: [to Mr. Inkster] My mistake. I'm on the next street over.

Francis: All right, that's enough! Party's over! Don't you guys have any respect for the dead?
Drew: You took his wallet.
Francis: Lester would've wanted me to have his I.D. But that's not the point. This man was not just an alcoholic pervert janitor. He was one of us! He hated the Commandant as much as we do. He was filled with impudent rage, like we are. This man was a hero. And heroes do not rot alone in basements. They're immortalized in song. They are sent off to Valhalla in flaming ships! They are not put in beer hats or used as photo props or given fake mustaches.
[After Francis rips off the mustache, Lester's head falls to the ground]
Stanley: That wasn't fake.
Francis: My bad. What do we do now?
Stanley: Go for the spare.

Malcolm: [on the phone] Francis, I'm sorry I'm calling you so late. I had to talk to someone.
Francis: Hey, no problem. What's going on?
Malcolm: I don't know. Do you ever feel like you don't really belong in a family?
Francis: Dude, I'm in military school. I think that question's been answered.
Malcolm: Right. [to camera] This is good. At least someone else in the family is normal.
Francis: Hey, listen, while I got you you're in school with all those science brains. How would you reattach a head to a dead body?

Mr. Inkster: Well... let's see what our little friend did today.
[When Mr. Inkster turns on the nannycam video, Malcolm is stood in front of the couch whistling. He walks away and returns with the blender, which he briefly turns on. He takes the blender container over to the fish tank and scoops out the prized fish. He walks in front of the camera with the blender before sitting down on the couch and raising his finger.]
Malcolm: [on video] Oh, hi. Don't worry. I'd never hurt Barney. He's part of the family. Just like I'm part of the family, right? And since a big part of this family is being such a huge phony and launching secret investigations against each other I thought I'd join in. Personal computers are great. You can file tax returns, medical records, embarrassing private e-mail... A little security tip, though. Never use your birthdate as your password. And hiding things in a fake salt can? That's just silly. I don't know who Melissa is but she sure wears a lot of lipstick. Anyway, I think I hear you guys pulling up in the driveway so let's just leave it at this: I quit. Bye.
Mr. Inkster: Who's Melissa? [Mrs. Inkster squirms]

Malcolm: [to camera] Things didn't work out so bad. I made enough money to get my robotics kit. Or maybe I should do something nice for my family. Take them to dinner, treat them to a movie... Naw, then I couldn't do this. [rubs money against face]