Hal: So, what'd you think, Dewey?
Dewey: It's cool. It's fun the way you guys move.
Hal: Yeah.
Dewey: How come you're always in the back?
Hal: I'm not always in the- Well, even if I am, it- it's not about where anyone is. It's about what's best for the group.
Dewey: Okay.
Hal: Yeah.
Dewey: Why is it best for the group to put you in the back?

Lois: So, a three-hour drive. Should be nice.
Malcolm: Uh-huh.
Lois: We don't get to be alone that often anymore, just the two of us, and I've been wanting to talk to you.
Malcolm: What are we going to talk about for three hours?
Lois: Sex.
[Malcolm pants as he tries to open the door, which Lois locks]

Samuel: All that crap you "tough" guys have been pulling, well, this is where it's got you! This is- Are you paying attention?!
Reese: No. I just realized. You're in prison. You're locked up in here for life. What do I need to be afraid of you for?
Samuel: Because the way you've been screwing up, you're likely to end up in here, and when that happens, whoo-wee!
Reese: You know, Sammy, you might want to have someone smuggle some mouthwash in a cake. [boys laugh]
Samuel: Let me tell you what happened to the last guy who made fun of me. They found just enough of him to convict me!
Reese: Ooh! I am so scared of prison boy. What are you going to do, stretch out your arms seventy miles through the bars to my house? [laughter]

Lois: [to Malcolm] And if the sperm doesn't take, the uterine wall sloughs off cells, and that's what creates a period. Women can be very emotional at that time, but God help you if you point it out because then you're creating two problems.

Abe: I hope I don't get too nervous tonight. Kitty bought a new antiperspirant I don't have much confidence in.
Hal: No one will even notice if I sweat. Since I'm [whistles] in the back the whole time. I'm in the back for every song, you know. And frankly, I don't think that's fair.
Abe: We all agreed on the choreography, Hal. Where is this coming from?
Hal: From the back, that's where!

Francis: Helga!
Otto: Oh, we will never find her! And it's all my fault! [sobs]
Francis: No, Otto, it's not. It's my fault. I have to tell you this. There was an accident, a tragic branding accident. I killed Helga, and I fed her to you, and I couldn't be more sorry.
Otto: What?
Francis: She's gone. She's dead. I don't think she suffered. I'm sorry. I-I should have told you right from the beginning, but I couldn't. Let me tell you something. You are the only boss I've ever had in my life that I actually liked, and what's weird is, you're the only one I've ever lied to. I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting you.
Otto: Thank you for telling me the truth.
Francis: If you want to fire me, feel free.
Otto: Oh, no, no, no. [sighs] It was an accident. I think we should try to put it all behind us.
Francis: I don't deserve a boss like you.
Otto: Let us go home. Oh, Francis, there is an expression that you used that I am unfamiliar with. What does it mean when you say "fed her to you"?

Hal: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said anything before.
Abe: Mm-hmm!
Hal: This is our shot! We can't blow it like this. The whole point of the Gentlemen Callers was to have fun and help Malik tone down his drinking. We're friends! I don't even know why we're fighting.
[The Irish dancing duo argue in the back as Dewey eats ice cream]
MC : Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce an act we haven't seen before at the Founders Dinner. [moaning murmurs] Simmer down. Now let's give a warm welcome to the Gentlemen Callers! [applause]
Hal: Well, I for one, am a Gentleman Caller. Uh, well, th-thank you, ladies and gentlemen. The six of us couldn't be more honored to be here, and we're going to sing a little song about brotherhood. And forgiveness. And friendship.
[Hal starts to perform the routine alone]
Hal: ... Whoo-hoo! ... Play that banjo, Steve-o ...Yeehaw!
[Abe and the rest of the guys join Hal and sing "The Man Who Never Returned"]

Hal: Why do you have to take your pillow to your sister's?
Lois: Well, Hal, I don't know how long I'm going to be there. I want to be comfortable.
Hal: Well, what am I supposed to sniff while you're gone?

Malcolm: [to camera] Mom's baby doctor is making her move to her sister's house for a while. Dad's starting to get used to it. At least now he goes out to the garage to cry.

Hal: I know, but this morning at the gas station, I saw Eddie Eigen. He come up to me to say hi, and he slipped on an oil stain. He can't perform.
Steve: You're kidding.
Hal: No, I tell you, It's like God backed up that minivan over his ventriloquist hand. So, Eddie uses my cell phone to cancel with the club. Two minutes later, I push redial and got us the gig.