Hal: "A Day in Prison?"
Lois: We have no choice. I am not leaving you here with Reese like this.
Hal: It just sounds so scary.
Lois: That's the point. You take them to prison, a bunch of criminals scream at them, and they come home good.
Hal: Hey, they include a snack.

Francis: There you go, Helga. Almost done.
Ranch Hand: How's it going?
Francis: Just finishing the de-worming. God, these fumes are horrible. All right, let's get this over with.
Ranch Hand: Wait a minute. You didn't brand them first?
Francis: No. Why? [explosion]
Ranch Hand: That'd be the main reason.

Hal: Dewey, I have to focus, so I want you to sit and watch quietly right over here.
Dewey: Why do I have to be here? Why couldn't I go snowboarding with Reese?
Hal: Reese isn't snowboarding. That was just a lie Mommy and Daddy told. Reese is in jail.
Dewey: For how long?
Hal: A few hours.
Dewey: Oh.

Samuel: All right, so we need to get a few of the ground rules straight. I own you! You are my property! And you should know, I don't take very good care of my things. [to a boy] Stand up. [shouts] I said stand up! Turn around! All the way. Faster! See that? Like a little top. Sit down! See how that works? 'Cause in prison, you got to make your own fun. And when they toss in punk kids like you and you, whoo... It's like Christmas for me! If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck, just squeeze till your eyes bulge out of your head, and then pop them with a fork.
Reese: [laughs]
Samuel: You think that's funny?
Reese: I thought you were trying to be funny.
Samuel: So, I got me a volunteer, huh? Well, let me tell you, cupcakes, what your first day up in here gonna be like!
[later:]
Samuel: ...And don't expect no flowers afterwards.

Ranch Hand: Look, Otto keeps asking me where Helga is, and I'm running out of excuses. You got to tell him what happened.
Francis: I know. I'm working on it.
Ranch Hand: It's just a cow.
Francis: A cow that's in his will.
Chef: Francis, I've got to thank you for what you did to Helga. My budget is really tight, and getting a couple of extra sides of beef really helped me out. [laughs] And how did you achieve that smoky flavor?
Francis: That's great stuff, Arnold. Ray's dad has a week to live. Maybe you can do ten minutes on that.

[Malcolm returns to the car after throwing up at the side of the road]
Malcolm: Okay.
Lois: So, on the night I lost my virginity, I learned something very important about relationships and trust. Your body can be telling you to do something...

Man: I hope you all appreciate what those men were doing for you. And you might be happy to hear that in part because of the fine work Samuel's done with this program, he's getting paroled next week.
Samuel: [mouths to Reese from the prison window]
Reese: [shouts out school bus window] Hey, I don't care if you get out! You'll never figure out how to find me. Jackass.

Abe: They loved us!
Hal: We got more applause that the Whistling Whittlers!
Trey: Yeah. Now everyone over to my house for pizza! [all cheering]
Dewey: How come you always go to his house?