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Jury Duty

‘Jury Duty’

Season 3, Episode 20 -  Aired May 1, 2002

When Lois gets jury duty, Hal is desperate to hear about the trial. Meanwhile, Malcolm, Reese, Stevie and Dewey explore the sewers.

Quote from Reese

Reese: What?
Malcolm: You are talking about his mom. Change the subject. Show some class.
Reese: OK, I get it. Whoo, Stevie! Is that you or the sewer?!


Quote from Hal

Abe: What's all this?
Hal: Just some research I'm doing on the trial Lois got assigned to.
Abe: Oh, my God! The Reyes case?! Did she anything about the four-fingered magician? Was he any good?
Hal: She won't tell me anything. I had to dig up all this on my own. Half the information is being suppressed from the jury. Now Lois will have to find Moynihan guilty.
Abe: Why wouldn't she? He did it.
Hal: Oh, you're a fool! Everyone knows that the wife killed him.
Abe: What are you talking about? She loved him. Didn't you read the letter?
Hal: If she was so innocent, how come she didn't admit to being married before?
Abe: Because she was underage and it was annulled a week later. It means absolutely nothing. The judge already ruled that inadmissible.
Hal: This is the same judge that wouldn't allow the cab driver to testify!
Abe: Well, if the wife did it, why did four witnesses say they saw a man leave the crime scene?
Hal: Oh! You mean a man... like this?!
Abe: You just drew hair on!
Hal: And if I could do it, she could do it. Did you know she spent two years working at the Windmill Dinner Theatre.
Abe: Let me see that!

Quote from Stevie

Malcolm: Wait a minute. Unless we thought some girl called Molly Hatchet ruled, this isn't our mark.
Reese: No, this has to be it. We went right, right, straight, left, right, left, straight and right again.
Malcolm: No! We went right, left, left, then straight, left, right, straight!
Stevie: No. We went... right... left... straight...

Quote from Stevie

Reese: All right, let's just focus on finding a way out of here. Stevie's mom must be worried about him.
Stevie: Shut up... about... my mom!
Reese: What? I simply made a comment.
Stevie: You're... a perv!
Reese: I can't help it if I have a healthy interest in the opposite sex.
Stevie: Well... they don't... return... the favor!
Reese: What does that mean?
Stevie: Girls... hate you.
Reese: That's not true!
Malcolm: Yes, it is. Come on, Reese. You're a joke.
Dewey: Yeah. Even I know it.

Quote from Lois

Foreman: What is it that you want, lady?
Lois: I want you to do your job! I want you teigh the facts of this case and make a reasoned decision! You have got the sworn testimony of the arresting officer, in which he clearly states-
Ben: Yeah, if you believe what he says.
Lois: OK! That's fair enough. It is a question of credibility. On the one hand, you have a seventeen-year-old high-school dropout with a history of reckless behavior. And on the other, you have a twenty-year veteran of the police force.
Ben: Well, you sure as hell can't trust the cops. They're always comin' up with ways to get you!
Janice: That's right! My neighbor's a cop and he's got a 30-foot boat in his front yard. Now, how can he afford that on a police salary?
Foreman: Cops are always getting away with stuff like that. [overlapping chatter]
Lois: Stop! This is not about how you feel about cops! This is not about who you like and who you hate! This is about what you believe happened, based on the facts of the trial. Did Marty or did Marty not in fact steal the motorcycle?!
Janice: Wait, I thought Marty was the cop!
Lois: Fine. Let's go through this again. [man raises hand] Yes?
Ben: Is it OK to hate you?
Lois: Absolutely.

Quote from Dewey

Stevie: This all looks... the same!
Dewey: Yes, this is the same. It's all been exactly the same ever since the day I was born. I start to trust them, they make me regret it. I get my hopes up and then they destroy them. I-
Malcolm: Shut up! We get it!

Quote from Reese

Reese: Every girlfriend you ever had left you crying like a baby!
Malcolm: What?!
Reese: Oh, who's Mr. Big Shot now? I'm a joke with the girls, huh? Well, what's worse, being a joke or a crybaby?
Malcolm: [scoffs] I wasn't crying that hard!
Stevie: You wet... your pants.
Malcolm: Oh, like you've ever even been with a girl!
Stevie: I have... a note... from my doctor!
Reese: I could get a note from my doctor if I wanted to.
Malcolm: That doesn't even make sense!

Quote from Francis

Francis: I hope you packed enough toilet paper for four! [all cheer]
Eric: You're kidding. How'd you get Piama's permission?
Francis: I don't need my wife's permission. I baited her into a fight. She kicked me out for a couple of days. [all cheer]

Quote from Hal

Hal: So, deliberations start today. Nervous?
Lois: Nice try, Hal. You know I can't talk about the trail.
Hal: OK! So, is the councilman as tall as he looks on TV?
Lois: Hal!
Hal: I knew it! Your eyebrow went up!
Lois: It did not.
Hal: It's the Panty Bandit, isn't it? This isn't right, Lois. We're married. We tell each other everything. We've never kept secrets from each other in our entire relationship.
Lois: What are you talking about? I keep secrets from you all the time.
Hal: Oh, fine. Go. I won't keep you from your... big, secret trial!
[Hal picks up a paper and sees a coffee ring over a story about a murder trial]
Hal: Thank you very much! [chortles]
Lois: For what?
Hal: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. You didn't say a word. [chuckles]

Quote from Reese

Malcolm: Did you get the snake?
Reese: Right here. They'll be able to hear him screaming in Russia.

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