Hal: My wife told you about the car?
Dr. Kennedy: Yes, the joyriding incident.
Hal: $700 worth of damage! We are at our wits' end with these boys. I am authorizing you to do whatever it takes. Drugs, brainwashing, electroshock...
Dr. Kennedy: Maybe I'll start with talking.
Hal: You're the expert. [to the boys] You do whatever the doctor says. You better be cured when I get back!

Malcolm: This is ridiculous! We didn't take their car!
Reese: We were watching TV all night. We were being good. Well, I mean I had some stuff scheduled for later, but...

Dr. Kennedy: And you have another brother, Francis?
Reese: Yeah, did they tell you what they did to him?
Malcolm: It's a classic first-born scenario: a free-and-easy couple suddenly has a kid and their whole world's turned upside down. And even after there's other kids, the oldest one becomes a symbol for everything wrong in their lives, through no fault of his own.

Reese: Who cares if they don't believe me about the car? I've gotten this far in my life without anyone giving me any credit. So why should I expect any different now?
Malcolm: Yeah, a guy who leaves thumbtacks on the toilet seat is so misunderstood.
Dr. Kennedy: Please remember the ground rules.
Reese: You're the one who taught me my name in French was "latrine"!
Dr. Kennedy: Don't interrupt.
Malcolm: You're the one who sold my bike for $3 to Billy Watson the day he moved to Canada!
Dr. Kennedy: We don't-
Reese: I'm the one who spit in Dewey's cereal this morning. I mean-
Dewey: I drank that milk I licked the bowl! I hate you!
Reese: Oh, shut up, pit-stain!

Dr. Kennedy: Let me ask you - how do you see yourselves? Reese, what do you think your role in the family is?
Reese: I guess I'm the bad boy. The one that ruins everything. Every family has that guy. The one that makes you cry, makes you hate coming home at the end of the day just knowing I'm gonna be there. It's a lot of work. But I guess it's pretty satisfying.

Dr. Kennedy: And how do you see your place in this family?
Dewey: Well, I'm the favorite. You know, the one everybody loves the most. The cute one. The one everybody looks out for and gives presents to. And sometimes even make the birds sing to me, and the clouds spell out my name.

Dr. Kennedy: What about you, Malcolm? What's your place in the family?
Malcolm: I dunno, I'm the middle one.
Dr. Kennedy: Well, really think about it. How do you fit in with this family?
Malcolm: Well, I...
Dr. Kennedy: Go ahead.
Malcolm: Well, I guess I... don't. I don't fit in. I mean, honestly, sometimes I feel I've just been dropped into this family from outer space.
Dr. Kennedy: Well, that's interesting. Now, how-
Reese: Well, he's the one that fixes everything.
Malcolm: What?
Dewey: Yeah, he's the one that figures everything out and solves a lot of our problems.
Reese: Yeah, kinda like that gay kid with the scarf in Scooby Doo. The leader.

Reese: This is stupid!
Dewey: We didn't do anything!
Malcolm: What do we need a psychiatrist for?
Hal: I don't want to hear it. We need professional help.

Reese: Why do we all have to be here? He's the one who's afraid of being attacked by a shark in the shower.
Malcolm: At least he doesn't walk in his sleep and pee on the TV.

Dr. Kennedy: So, let's go over the ground rules. This is a safe zone. And what that means is when one of you talks, everybody listens. And listening does not include interrupting, name-calling, or passing judgment on what was just said. That way, everybody can say what they want, and feel OK about it.
Dewey: Can I have a piece of candy?
Dr. Kennedy: No.