Abe: But the money was really being funneled to Mr Reyes's mistress and their love child. Once Moynihan found out, it was "Good night, Mr Reyes".
Hal: You've got nothing!
Abe: There were witnesses who saw him arguing with the victim. He can't account for his whereabouts when the murder occurred, and they found the murder weapon in his car! Means, motive and opportunity!
Hal: It's all a little too neat!
Abe: Because he's guilty!
Hal: My gut says he didn't do it!
Abe: Just saying so doesn't make it so!
Hal: Talk to this guy!
Abe: [yells at Hal's stomach] You're an idiot!

Susan: Wait! I don't think Marty is guilty.
Lois: What?!
Susan: I went through all these papers and it says the kid sings in a church choir. I just don't think a churchgoing boy would do something like this.
Lois: That is not fact. That's bias. You are basing a decision on feelings that have nothing to do with facts! Facts are things, like witnesses seeing Marty steal the bike, like Marty being apprehended while he was driving the stolen bike! Like Marty pulling tons of stupid stunts just like this one. Those are the facts.
Susan: I just don't wanna send that poor boy to jail!
Lois: Oh, believe me, jail is going to do a lot more good than three years of military school ever did.
Foreman: Military school?
Susan: I didn't read anything about military school.
Lois: Oh, yeah... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I saw that somewhere.
Ben: I don't think so. Didn't he drop out of vocational school?
Foreman: That's right. After he transferred from the private school where he got caught messing with the teacher's aid.
Lois: No, you don't understand, I know for a fact that Francis went- Oh, my God! I think I have to excuse myself from this jury.
Foreman: All in favor? [all hands go up]

Malcolm: We're trying to tell you something important. We just saw Stevie's mom naked!
Reese: And she's a total babe.
Malcolm: It was amazing. We were over at Stevie's getting stuff for the sewer when, all of a sudden, we hear something behind us. We turn around and there she was, in the hallway, naked!
Reese: Buck naked, except for her shower cap. It was crazy. First she was screaming, then Stevie was screaming, then I was screaming... Yeah. Why'd I do that?
Malcolm: And then she tore the curtains off the wall to cover up!
Reese: But you could still see right through the curtains. I'm so glad they just remodeled.
Dewey: That is not a good reason! Mom walks around here naked all the time! She was naked this morning. She was naked in-
Reese: Dewey, if you've just combined those two things in my head, I will kill you! [closes eyes] No, we're good. So, anyway, she was crawling down the hall with the curtain...

Lois: Hal, I got to get going. Where are the boys?
Hal: They went to the library. [off Lois's look] I know. I know. But if they were doing something really dangerous, they'd have come up with a better lie.

Malcolm: Oh, man, we're lost!
Dewey: What? No!
Reese: Oh, man! What are we gonna do?! [to Malcolm] Nice! We'll get him crying and then pants him.
Malcolm: No, we really are lost!
Reese: What? What are we gonna do?!
Dewey: I knew it! I knew you were going to find some way to ruin this for me! Even when you're trying to be nice, you make me miserable! And now I get to die in the sewer! A perfect end to a crappy life!

Hal: [frantic panting] Whoo! Time? Time?!
Abe: 11 minutes.
Hal: [shrieks triumphantly] In your face! See? The wife did have time to run down here from home! That leaves her two minutes to stab him, remove the head, and still make it to the party in time. It all makes sense!
Abe: Oh, and the blood magically jumped from the wife's clothes to Moynihan?
Hal: Do you really need this spelled out? After killing her husband, she ran back, took off the bloody suit and rubbed it all over the unconscious Moynihan!
Abe: Impossible!
Hal: You just don't wanna be proven wrong!
Abe: I am not wrong! The knife entered at a downward angle. She was 5'2". He was 6'4". She'd have had to ask him to pick her up so she could stab him!
Hal: She could've stood on something!
Abe: Oh, she brought a stepladder out into the alley.
Hal: Look, right here. A milk crate! She could've hidden behind the dumpster, stood on the milk crate, pulled out the knife and stabbed him several times with a downward motion, like this!
[When a woman screams, Hal and Abe run off in opposite directions]

Lois: Jury duty? They want me to do jury duty?! I can't believe this!
Hal: You can't do it. You simply can't do it. Spring break is coming up. The boys are gonna be out of school. I can't be expected to handle them by myself! I'm sorry, you're just gonna have to tell them no!
Lois: That's not one of the options, Hal.
Hal: What are they thinking? Forcing someone to sit on a jury!? This is America!
Lois: I don't have a choice!
Hal: Oh, yes, you do. You wanna get out of jury duty? You just let me handle this.
[cut to Lois and her fellow jurors being sworn in]

Malcolm: Oh, my God, Dewey, you are not gonna believe what just happened.
Dewey: Where were you? We were supposed to go exploring in the sewer. I waited two hours for you!
Reese: Dewey, you're not listening. This is incredible!
Dewey: But you promised! You said that when spring break started, you would take me! I did all your chores, I did all your homework, I took your antibiotics for you, I put-

Lois: Hey, wait! What do you think you're doing?! You can't send a 17-year-old kid to jail just because you wanna go home early. For God's sake, we took an oath!
Foreman: Lady, did you vote guilty?
Lois: Yes, because-
Foreman: Then, there's no problem. We're all just agreeing with you.
Lois: Fine. Then, I vote not guilty.

Dewey: This is cool. There's no alligators down here, right? That's just made up? But if there were, they'd probably be blind, or albino, or transparent! But that's not real. This is so cool!
Malcolm: [to camera] He hasn't shut up all morning. I mean, I was just as excited the first time Francis took us. It's actually kinda cute.