Boy: Dude, finish the story!
Reese: All right. And then she was standing there, buck naked! I went like this. [gasps] Malcolm was like this. [gasps] It was incredible! [Stevie rolls up behind Reese] The sun was behind her. She was glowing. A naked, glowing angel! [Malcolm points to Stevie] Stevie, back me up on this. That's what she looked like, right?

Malcolm: OK, here's our mark. When we came in here with Francis, this is the farthest we've ever gone.
Dewey: This is it?! This is as far as you went?! Who would brag about this? [gasps] Mr. Alligator?

Reese: So, Stevie, did your mom go to college?
Stevie: What?!
Reese: You know, did she get a degree or something? I'll bet she was in a sorority.

Dewey: That's right! Turn on each other. Well, you know what? No girls like any of you. And I don't blame them. You're all pathetic.
Malcolm: You know who's a joke? Girls!
Reese: Yeah!
Malcolm: Why do we even like them? They make our lives miserable. You can never understand what they want.
Reese: They're always saying, "Stop staring at me." And they don't laugh at farts!
Malcolm: They only wanna talk about clothes.
Stevie: They cry... all the... time.
Dewey: [to himself] Yeah, this is helping us get out.

Reese: I'm trying to be the best me I can be, but I don't know what to say to girls, so I just say something mean. I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt so I hurt them first.
Malcolm: I think my problem is, I get so frustrated over the things I can't control. I forget that other people have their own will and their own needs.
Stevie: I play... mind games. It's all... I have.
Dewey: Why isn't there ever a flash flood when you need one?
Reese: You know, I really want a girlfriend. I want somebody to hang out with. That's what I really want.
Malcolm: Yeah. Someone you can talk to.
Stevie: Someone... to hug.
Reese: Someone to show my poetry to.
Stevie: You write... poetry?
Reese: I dabble.

Malcolm: What do you guys think of Brenda Pollock?
Reese: She's really nice. I think she'd be good for you.
Stevie: You'd make... a cute couple.
Malcolm: I thought so, too.
Reese: Hey, I know this sounds weird, but can I read you something I wrote?
Malcolm: We'd love it.
[Reese screams as he pulls the snake out of his backpack. As the boys run away, they manage to find their way out of the sewer. A crowd of girls at the entrance laugh at them.]
Reese: Hey!
Girl: What happened? Did you read them your poetry? [girls laugh]
Dewey: [walks out with the snake] You guys couldn't even do this right!

Lois: I really want to serve on another jury! I know I messed up this time, but the next time I will do it right.
Judge: I'm not responsible for scheduling that.
Lois: I'm sure you have connections. Please! I just need another chance.
[A police officer walks in with a handcuffed Hal]
Police Officer: There was some kind of a mistrial earlier. Everything's backed up. You'll have to wait.
Judge: [to Lois] I'll do the best I can, if you promise to stop bothering me right now.
Lois: Deal! I gotta go. My husband's probably going crazy without me!